Rejected...Again

Why is it that when I decide that I'll be different and be true to myself when it comes to relationships that I get burned anyway? I mean, there's only so much rejection a girl can take...you know what I'm saying?

And what is it about rejection that's so hard? Well, this time, it's because I don't think the reason is really valid. Can you honestly say that you'd reject someone and give them the reason that they aren't being accepted is because they think that you should be more selective about who your friends are? I mean...really? What's the case, right?

Okay, so I have this student who is homosexual. He's a good person - just likes boys and all. And while I've never had a problem with it, it seems that Akin does. I call this student, "Big Mama" because that's his personality. He's a good person who takes care of the people around him. He protects people from things that might hurt them and he always appears out of nowhere to help. Even when he doesn't want to, he will help someone if he can...Kind of like Big Mama on The Fox and The Hound. Hence, the name. Well, Akin said that another reason that we can't hang out is because I need to be more selective of my friends. HELLO!!! Isn't there something wrong with that? They're my friends, right? They're the ones that I choose, right? And IF something were to happen between us, and he didn't want my friends around, I would respect that, right? Abso-freakin-lutely!

I guess I just can't believe that's the real reason that I'm being rejected. Akin also mentioned that it's because I hang around a person who doesn't know who he is. Okay, again, HELLO!! Big Mama knows exactly who he is... He's a boy who likes boys and a good person who takes care of those he cares for. What his sexuality has to do with it is way beyond my comprehension.

To make matters worse, we were talking about when I'm done with school... He says, "So, you're off on Friday? That means that you could be here on Friday, right? Oh, boy, that'll get me in trouble. I don't want to get into trouble." My response: "Don't think about it then." Don't freaking play with me! You either like me or you don't, and you either think that we can be something or you don't. Freaking cut me loose if you don't see it going anywhere or reel me in if you think you want it to go somewhere. I understand and respect the need for caution...he's got three kids and they're young and impressionable...but, really...you have to teach balance, don't you?

Anyway, enough of my ranting and raving... If someone out there has an opinion, please share...I'm tired of being rejected. I'm starting to think and believe that I'll be single for the rest of my life...

Man...He's Ruined Me...

Okay, so I have been on those stupid online dating websites - just for kicks (and hope, too, I suppose) and I got an "e-mail" from one of them recently...as in today. So, I thought I'd take a look around and see if anything interests me...since I haven't heard from the man in a couple of days... Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to find anything since I really want me and the man to work out, I was just curious. Well, anyway, I browsed profiles for about five minutes and do you know what I discovered? There's nothing there for me. I've really put all my eggs in this one basket - so to speak. I really want him to get over the fact that I was born when he was graduating from high school. I really want him to see that I'm of the quality that he's seeking...and that we'd get along famously - if he'd give us a chance. Anyway, that's my schpeel for now...help me, please! I'm falling hopelessly fast... :)

Mistakes...

So, monumental mistakes have been made, and I suppose the purpose of mistakes is to possibly learn from them. But, do I learn? Of course not. A couple of weekends ago, I went down South, and I had a ball. And when I say I had a ball, I really mean it! It was an awesome weekend and I learned a lot about myself and what I want in my life. So, after a weekend of tumult and satisfaction, (and may I mention that there was TONS of satisfaction) I came back home and had lots to think about.

Then, last week Thursday, I am reminded, yet again, of how young I am and how wrong it would be to do anything. Of course, that conversation was interrupted and I had to wait until Friday to finish what was begun on Thursday. So, on Friday, I telephoned and laid it all out there. And when I say that I laid it all out there, I really mean it. I said everything that was in my heart. I said that I liked him, I said I would move down South to be with him and his family, and I said, despite my age, I'm a grown woman who wants for things in her life. I also said, and you'll love this part, that I'm not the one with the issue with my age...he is, and if there's any desire to pursue a relationship, he's got to reconcile his issues - because I already have.

I mean, how crazy is it to let something as little as 18 years determine whether or not a relationship can be had? Okay, so 18 years is a pretty big deal, but would you really turn away from a great match if the only thing that felt out of sorts was the person's age? So, he said that he has to discuss it with his brother (who happens to be a priest) because he needs spiritual guidance. I said that I think he should do it... So, basically, I told him that he should talk to his brother and then call me because I need to know how this all will turn out. He hasn't called yet, and it's Sunday. I figured, I'd give him until Thursday - a full week - so that he can get his ish together... And if he doesn't call me by Friday, I'll give him a call to see what's going on. I think that's pretty generous...don't you?

Anyway, that's my news for now. In my heart, and in my mind, I know that we'd be great together. I love his kids - and they love me - and it all just seems to fit together so well...there's no fighting or ignoring that. I'll just have to wait and see if he feels the same. If not, then there's really nothing I can do but be his friend and student and learn all that I can from him about dog training and the like. Wish me luck!!!

The Shaft...Part II

So, conversations were restarted - and not on my part. Then, three days ago, when discussing my impending day of birth, I was informed that I should consider dating someone who's younger. What really bugs me is this: If I'm so damned young, why even talk about working it like a pro? Oh well...guess I'll never know because the conversations have all but stopped and moving on seems like the best thing I can do. What a bummer...I was hoping. Silly me.

Not Happening...

So, I haven't had a phone call in over a week. Is that a sign? I mean, for real...According to the authors of "He's Just Not That Into You" and "It's Called A Break-up Because It's Broken", if he wants to get a hold of you, he will. He should be turning over heaven and Earth to get at you. So, if he doesn't turn over heaven and Earth, does that mean he's not interested? I mean, we've had great conversations...we've had amazing conversations. They can last minutes or hours, but it always feels good. And now, I've done the unthinkable and I've called...I've called three times (once every day in the last three days). I feel so stupid!! If this is the brush-off, I'm taking the hint...No more calling...no more trying. You want me? You come get it...

Can't Sleep

It's the strangest thing, but I just can't sleep anymore. It's not that my body doesn't need the rest, it's just that I woke up, couldn't find a comfy spot, and so, couldn't fall back asleep. I'm not sure what woke me, but whatever it was, it was big because now I can't find whatever it'll take to get me back to sleep. Oh well, right? Perhaps I'm just stressing out. This week Saturday is my first tournament and I'm hosting it! It's super insane, but it's all coming together. Today, I'll have the kids make sings for postings, and I'll begin scheduling competitors. So far, and this is a good thing, no one has signed up for Prose - one of the categories that we're offering. I'm still waiting on two more schools to sign up, and haven't heard anything from one of them.

I think, too, that I'm thinking too much of Akin. I'm not bummed out that we didn't talk last night...I was too tired, anyway. I wonder if the age thing is really going to get in the way or if he can just talk to me despite the fact that he thinks I'm a baby. I don't really know. Should I have opened the door? I suppose it's really too late now. I don't know what's supposed to happen. I don't know what he wants from me...and it's frustrating. I'm not rethinking that I like him because it's pretty obvious that I do. I am just so tired of game playing. I'd like to be up front and real about it all...you know what I mean? I just don't want to be playing games. I feel like I'm too old for that stuff...

So, I've been up since 3:30 and it's now 4:45...I could try to get a little bit of sleep in before I actually have to get up and get ready for work...Another day another dollar, right? Hope you're luckier than I with matters of the heart...

In Trouble

The heart wants what the heart wants...you'd think by now that I'd learned my lesson. I have the biggest crus on someone who is older than me...he's been married and has three beautiful kids...and he's swirly. Totally NOT my style, but what can I do? I'm totally attracted to him, and there is phenomenal chemistry between the two of us. What to do, what to do? Anyway, that's about it for now...hope the real world is still doing well...

Another Update

So, the teaching thing is going well. I've had two observations, and it went swimmingly. I got talked to about the use of the word "ho" as it is inappropriate. Oh well. Am still single and I still have two dogs - Dora and Oslo (Oz). I had to surrender Baron to the humane society because there was an issue with Dora's breeder. His daughter was bitten, and he decided to get out of the backyard breeding business. That's a good thing. It's also how I was able to bring Os home. My two rescues and I live in a house - yes, a house - with a yard. We're happy, we train once a week, and we have fun. I try to work with them daily, but have been really busy lately. I'll get back on it. Anyway, that's all that I really have for now. Next week, we'll be headed down to Tulsa, Oklahoma for a training weekend. Then, Reid'll be here on Sunday. I'm super stoked about the entire weekend! I suppose it's time to close this one. Will try to do this more regularly...Have a warm day! :)

Another Update

So, the teaching thing is going well. I've had two observations, and it went swimmingly. I got talked to about the use of the word "ho" as it is inappropriate. Oh well. Am still single and I still have two dogs - Dora and Oslo (Oz). I had to surrender Baron to the humane society because there was an issue with Dora's breeder. His daughter was bitten, and he decided to get out of the backyard breeding business. That's a good thing. It's also how I was able to bring Os home. My two rescues and I live in a house - yes, a house - with a yard. We're happy, we train once a week, and we have fun. I try to work with them daily, but have been really busy lately. I'll get back on it. Anyway, that's all that I really have for now. Next week, we'll be headed down to Tulsa, Oklahoma for a training weekend. Then, Reid'll be here on Sunday. I'm super stoked about the entire weekend! I suppose it's time to close this one. Will try to do this more regularly...Have a warm day! :)

News

Well, I suppose that no news is good news...but it just makes my life seem so boring! I've started the new job and am loving it! There are those little shits that think they're hot, but then they will be run to the wayside - if I get any say in it. I've been planning and what not for classes, and it's all good...for now. I have this sinking feeling that everything is just going to come crashing down on me. You know what I mean? Like things are going so great that the only thing things can do is fall apart. I've been so happy lately that it seems as though it's going to just come crumbling down. Do you ever get that feeling?

On the flip side, I'm still single...and starting to feel lonely again. Do you ever roll over in the night, expecting to find someone there, and there isn't anyone there? I've had that happen to me a few times in the last week or so. I wake up, and where I expect (or hope) to find Kory...it's just an empty space. Don't get me wrong, I love being single. It's a different experience for me. At the same time, I miss being in a relationship. A real relationship - one in which I am loved and love. I dunno...it's just dumb. I feel dumb about stuff like that.

Anyway, back to the reason for posting - well, there really isn't a reason...just wanted to get back on the horn and do what I do...provide random thoughts. Oh, yeah, and there's another blog of mine: Do You Really Want To Know? It's basically another way for me to vent all the random things that pop into my head...Well - it's really just another excuse for me to blog something.

Well...I suppose that's it for now. Tootles...

Major Update

Okay, so it's been forever since I've made an entry, and I think that it's a pretty appropriate time to update y'all. Last time I entered something, it was a pretty far ways away from tonight. Since my last entry, I have done a number of things: gotten a different job from the one that I had at David's Bridal. Actually, I've gotten two jobs. The first job is at Aureus Medical as a payroll entry employee, and the second is my dream job: I'll be a teacher at Bellevue West High School as an english, journalism, and speech teacher/coach. I'm excited about both, but thrilled about the teaching gig.

I can't wait for it all to begin, and I feel like things are really looking up for me! In the words of Vince Vaughn as Jeremy Gray, "I'm psyched!"

Since my last update, I've lost my baby - Colby Jack - to some mysterious disease - although, deep down, I feel as though it's all my fault that he died. I have, however, begun to focus on Dora and Baron - my two German Shepherds. Yes, I still live in an apartment, but I'm hoping that all that will change within a few years - two at the most.

Other than that, there really isn't any new news - my brother graduated from high school on May 27th, my cousin is still getting married in September, and I'm still single - in a manner of speaking. So, since that's pretty much it for news, I guess that's all for now! Until next time!!!

One Step

I'm one step closer to achieving my teaching certificate. Last week, I sent a letter to the Nebraska Department of Education requesting an appeal for declining my original application. Today, I've sent out the two sets of fingerprints that are needed to complete my application for my teaching certificate. Let's cross the fingers in hopes that all goes well!

Let's see...what else? Oh yeah, I start the David's Bridal job next week Monday - the 20th. I'm not excited about it at all. I mean, it's work, and it's good, but it's not what I want to be doing. I'm still applying for teaching positions because I just can't stand the thought of doing retail again. I get to have a full time position with David's Bridal, and I don't feel too bad about not wanting to stay there because, in the end, I went to school to become a teacher - not a salesperson. You know what I mean?

The other thing that's got me riled up is that the guy who wrote the training manual I've been working on called me last week and said that he'd like the chapter to stay pretty close to the original product. What's the point in having me do this damn thing if all you want is the same lame stuff that you sent me in the beginning? Why did I even do any of the work at all? I don't know. Maybe I'm being dumb and overly sensitive about my work, but what's the use in having someone alter it if you just want it to stay the same?

Anyway, that's my rant and rave for now. Write if you like! I'm always looking for diversion. :)

Wow...

So, here's the deal. I'm sort of working and sort of not. I need to get my fingerprints rolled so that I can complete my application for my teaching certificate, and I need to go in - on Monday - to fill out the paperwork that needs to be accomplished so that I can start working at David's Bridal. And, in between all of that, I have to go and work on the training manual for the Local 846 Ironworker's Union. I was even proposed to by the guy who wrote the thing when he took a look at the work I had done. Granted, I only spent about 28 hours on the project so far, but I know I'll be putting in more time. When Randy - the guy who wrote the training manual - took a look at what I had come up with, he said that he thought we should get married. And while I know that he was being facetious, it was nice to know that my work was appreciated. My next step is to take what he wrote and turn it into a text format so that it's easy to read and follow. That's probably going to be the biggest challenge out of all that I've had to do for this single chapter.

Anyway, that's the job news for now. I learned that Arthur might not be able to come back for another year or so and that really bummed me out. Not too much, but it's a bit of a dissappointment. Let's see...what else? Oh yeah, I told Rob and Ka`ai about my crush on Arthur...they weren't surprised, but they did say that they thought it would be cool. I think they're stoked that there's another interest besides Kory.

Alright. That's all for now. I think I'm done with this blog. Reid, good to know you're still alive! I hope all is going well for you and am glad that you're keeping busy with stuff. :)

Update

Okay, so it's been a while. As I type, I am at my old work station at Davis Rebar, Inc. I landed an editing job here, so it'll be interesting - to say the least - that I'm back in the office. Unofficially, I was offered the full-time position at David's Bridal. I figured, until that time, I will just work on the editing thing and make my $13 an hour. So far, this is my first day, and I've already made about $65. By the end of the day, I'll have made $105. Very nice, if I do say so myself.

Now, just because I've got this job and another on the way doesn't mean that I'll give up on my teaching certificate. I'm still trying to get that because it's what I want to do. I can do things like the editing job and what not on the side to make some extra monies.

In any case, that's the news for now. Oh, and Arthur is said to have to stay out of town for another year or so. How much does that suck? I can't even begin to tell you how much I actually miss the banter and company. Especially now that I'm back in the office. Oh well. Anyway, that's it for now...more later, I hope!

By The By...

Today is Kory's birthday. While I was experiencing a brief moment of insanity, I thought I should be the bigger person and call to say "Happy Birthday" even though he didn't have the decency to do the same for me. In any case, I decided against it because I really wasn't feeling like the bigger person after all and I realized that it was insane to think that I should do that. I mean, I am a good person, and I would like to do things with the intention of being good, but I would have done this just to rub it in his face which, no doubt, would have backfired and I would have ended up feeling like shit. Anyway, I guess that's about it.

Oh, and to answer your question, Reid, I don't really know what happened with the whole job thing. One minute they like me, the next minute, the twig at work is talking all kinds of shit, they don't like me, and they let me go. Yeah, it does sound rather shady, but what can you do? I'd take them to the cleaners if I could, but I've still got at least two friends there who I couldn't see out of jobs...plus, Arthur is still working for them - technically - so I couldn't do that, either...not that I would be able to, just that I couldn't.

Okay, that's really it for now. G'night! :)

Update...

Well, it's been a while since I've been able to blog because I don't have internet access at home, so I have to run over to a friend's house (actually, the friend that had to fire me) to get on the internet and get an update out.

Thus far, I have interviewed for a sales position at David's Bridal - it's good money if I can sell over $12,000 in a two week period. At the moment, I'm still working on getting my teaching certificate as well as signing up for a teaching position for the Bellevue Public Schools in the summer. Yeah, that means that I'll be a summer school teacher, but it also means that I'll get some hands-on experience that might be useful. In addition, it means that I'll get to network - and that's really what I'm after.

Oh, and I also decided that it was time for me to do things that I've always wanted to do but never did. For example, I've always wanted to get a body piercing but never did because Kory didn't approve and I thought I had to make him happy - silly me. So, last week Friday, Jadee and I went down to The Big Brain Productions - a local piercing and tattoo parlor - and I got my nose and my tongue punctured. I actually like them and I think they're cool. Insofar as professionalism, I'm not worried. I interviewed with both piercings, and I'm pretty confident that I'll get the job. Apparently, there's a girl who worked at Lane Bryant right after I left who now works at David's Bridal. She approached me on Friday to ask if I was me. She interrupted my interview and everything to ask, and then she said that I am "a legend over at Oakview." I think this impressed the manager who was interviewing me.

Anyway, that's all for now. Reid, thanks for the props. Things are going, and I'd like to keep it that way. Anyway, drop a line if you're bored or can't sleep. Love you!

Update...

So, there's been a huge undertaking since last I blogged. To make a long story short, I got laid off from my job at Davis Rebar. While it came as a bit of a shock, I have to say that I'm not very unhappy about the events. I've been talking about going back to teaching for the longest time, and this is just the kick in the ass that I needed to get me going.

I'm looking forward to getting back in the saddle and getting in gear when it concerns my profession. While I was down for about twenty four hours, I don't appear to be a person that's been let go or anything like that.

Anyway, I've got a plan and I'm planning on sticking to it. There's been job offers and the like, and I think I'll take them up on the offers in the interim of finding a teaching job.

Anyway, that's all for now. Not too much other than that. On Saturday, I cleaned out the office of all my personal belongings and left little notes for everyone - thanking them for an amazing opportunity and letting them know that I have been blessed by their friendship.

Okay, that's all for now...for real. Until my next entry!

Slow Days...

Well, it's official: the work week drags on and on when there's nothing to do. I've found that I want to do things and get stuff done, but alas, there is nothing to do! I'm sick with sitting here and waiting for something to do. Does that even make sense?

Anyway, just to update and get back in touch with the blogging thing: here's what's been on my plate for the last week or so:

Morgan - my boss' 17-year old son - has been hitting on me...hard. For example, on Monday and Tuesday night, after 10:30 (or later), he calls me on my work phone and says, "Hey, where you at?" So, I tell him that I'm at home and sleeping. Then, he says that he wants to come over and hang out because he's bored. Yeah, right. And I wouldn't think it was a pass except that it's him and I know it would be a pass if he came over. While I think this is pretty disturbing, I just let it pass because he's young and stupid. Boys his age do all sorts of stupid things.

On the work front - I've been documenting everything that I do. From the time that I come into the office to the time I leave, everything I do is documented. If I'm working on a project and am interupted with another, smaller project, then I document when I stopped to do the secondary project and when I return to my primary project. I also document who asked me to complete the project. That way, if there's someone who says something like, "Oh, what did you do yesterday that you couldn't get this done?" I can say, "Imagine that, I can tell you right away what I did yesterday," and pull out my little piece of paper that documents my activity down to the minute! It's a bit of a hassle, but it's to cover my own ass when it comes to back-stabbing climbers - like the frail waif that I work with.

On the home front - not home-home, but here-home - things are back to normal. I've been really tired these last few days, and I'm not so sure what it's from, but I'm sure I'll be back to normal in a few days. I try to go to sleep early enough, but it doesn't seem to be enough lately. For example, I went to sleep at about 10:30 - 11-ish last night, got up at 7 this morning, and still felt like I was hit by a truck! Don't know what it could be, but it is what it is, and I'm sure that I'll be fine.

Anyway, that's it for now. Nothing too major. Arthur is still out of town, so I'm kinda bummed about that. Oh, and I've been listening to my ghetto stuff again and now everyone thinks I'm ghetto. Oh, and I talked to my sister this morning, and we talked about how I was thinking of getting something peirced...not sure what just yet, but I think I'm going to do it. Okie dokie...that's it for now. Great slow days, huh?

Over The Weekend

So, the weekend was somewhat eventful. On Friday, Jadee and I went to Billy Frogs - a bar/grill - and helped Jenn to celebrate her birthday. Jadee and I took a birthday shot with Jenn and hung out. Well, Jenn got super drunk and deunk dialed my work phone. Can you guess who she might have called? If you guessed Arthur, you're right! She drunk dialed Arthur and told him that I had a huge crush on him and that I didn't know she was doing it. Then, she took his number and put it in her cell phone and called him later. Since he's on a different time (I think he's one or two hours ahead of us), it was pretty late when she called to talk to him, and he was mad. In any case, that's what happened on Friday. Arthur's still not back from working out of town, and so I've not heard from him. I guess no news is good news, right? I'm not worried about it, though.

Saturday I cleaned and went to Archiver's for a scrapbooking session. I should have stayed home because I wasn't feeling too good, but I went anyway and got some things done. I'd like to get my cousin's wedding shower invitations done, but there's no luck there. I'm just having a creative block or something. I did get to start on some books that I want to make for my cousin, but that's not what I needed to do. I'd really like to get them started and finished because they need to be out by April. Wish me luck on these, okay?

Sunday was the usual: dog training in the morning and an afternoon of stuff. I acutally went to Sam's Club on Sunday afternoon with Rob, Ka`ai, and Jadee. Went back to Rob's for dinner and the Superbowl - which, by the way, I didn't find exciting in the least.

Anyway, that's all for now. I hope this week goes by a lot faster than last week did.

It's Been A While...Let's Catch Up!

Well, it's been a week now, and there has been so much that's happened, but it's been really painful for me.

About two and a half weeks ago, I was offered a job in a different division of the company. I readily accepted - without asking pertinent questions like, how much will I get paid, and what will I have to do. Anyway, the training for that job was supposed to begin sometime this week. It wasn't announced, as of Monday, so I asked Rob if he knew when the training was supposed to start. Well, on Tuesday afternoon, after I was told that my start date would be the 10th of the month, and that I would be getting all the training I would need to be a pro at the job, Rob calls me into his office to tell me two things: 1) I'm not getting the job because they've changed their mind about me and want someone older, more mature, and who has more experience with receivables, and 2) that the resident twig in the office has been talking smack behind my back to one of the three big bosses - telling him that I leave early to go and do personal stuff for Roger and that it's on company time. FUCK!

So, I've been dealing with that crap. On top of that, yesterday, I came into work early so that I could leave a little early. I was in the office at around 7:30 so that I could leave at around 3:30 - a nice eight hour day since I bring my lunch and work through lunch. So, when I go and run an errand for Rob and Roger, I come back, fill my car with the dog food that Rob has purchased for Roger and proceed to tell Rob that I'll be leaving in a bit and that I came in early today. He says to me, "I'm staying out of it." What? What the hell is that? Aren't you supposed to be my friend who's got my back? Isn't that why you told me that crap about the twig in the first place? So, I call my sister and vent to her, and she suggested that I just let it pass because it's so out of character for Rob to be acting this way. So, I let it pass. Whatever.

Today, I'm sitting in the office - after lunch - and I'm getting ready to do another bank run for Roger and Rob says, "I hope you're keeping the receipts for all the times you wire him money." I said, "What for?" He says that it's because Roger will get the check back, know that he only asked for this much, but that I would have to have taken out more than what he requested. Okay, so? So, Roger doesn't trust me now? Or, I have to prove that I'm not doing anything wrong now? What the fuck? You know? And then, Rob changes the subject and says that tomorrow is pay day...I say, yeah. And he asks how much I'm going to put to my car tomorrow...I say, "I don't know. I'm early on payments, so I thought I could wait a bit..." He says, "The earlier the better..." I'm thinking to myself...what the fuck is going on here?!? I feel like I've stepped into another realm where I'm no longer trustworthy. What is this?

My sister says that I should confront him about this...talk to him. I say fuck that! Why should I bring more drama into my life when I don't have to? I only owe $200 more for this month on my car, and I want to start paying my mom back for the furniture that she bought when I couldn't get it myself. (Oh yeah, I've got some furniture in my once empty apartment.)

Anyway, that's my drama for now. I'm super bummed because things just seem like they're falling apart at the moment. Have you ever had that feeling that no matter what you do, there's nothing to keep things from going to pieces? I suppose there isn't a whole lot I can do but roll with it and stick it out, right? Wish me luck, because I feel like I'm going to need it!

It's Friday!!!

Oh yes! It's that time again, but it's not just any Friday. So, what makes this Friday any more special than the ones before and the many to follow? Today's my birthday!

The plan: to go to Brownie's - a bar and grill - throw back a few and get "toe up from the flo' up!" No, I'm just kidding. I'm not sure if I want to party that hard, but I know that I have to have a couple in celebration of my turning a quarter of a century!

The original plan was to go out after work with co-workers, Arthur, and friends, but Arthur had to go away to take care of a job that we have on the other side of the continent. :( That's okay, though, because I'm hoping that everyone comes out next weekend - to Jenn's birthday - and have a great time next weekend, too!

That's pretty much the highlight of the weekend. Jake's birthday party is on Saturday night, and after Scrapmania, I think I'll stop by and what not. (Just to pop in and say "hullo") Sunday is all about dog training and that good stuff. I'm also trying to get a few loads of laundry done this weekend - so we'll see how that goes. I've got a lot because I'm not a big fan of doing laundry every weekend - plus, I figured, since Roger's out of town, I can use his machines for the price of free 99. (Since I have to be there to take care of his animals anyway.)

Other than that, a pretty boring weekend with shots of fun throughout. Wish me luck and a happy birthday!

Over The Weekend

Last Friday, I went and saw Underworld: Evolution. If you're into vampires, werewolves, Kate Beckinsale or Scott Speedman, I'd say check this bad boy out! It's hot, there's gore, and a surprisingly entertaining plot. I give it two thumbs way up.

Before going to the movies with Jenn and Jadee, I stopped to pick Jadee up from her house and Roger and some girls from Walgreens came over to visit Ka`ai and the baby. (And Rob, too, I'm sure.) Anyway, would you believe that Roger was hitting on me? Damn, that's nasty. Anyway, I told Jadee what he was saying/did, and she said, "Well, you know what they say...Like father, like son." Eew, gross.

On Saturday, I did absolutely nothing until Jadee called and we headed out to Archiver's - a scrapbooking store in West Omaha. We went there with the purpose of working on some projects, and ended up staying till about 11PM because of Scrapmania - where they close down the workshop and stay open later for people who pay $15 for food and the use of the workshop with door prizes and demos. It's really fun if you're into that kind of thing. (I am.)

Sunday was dog training, lunch at Panera, and dinner with Rob, Ka`ai, Jadee, and Ka`ai's mom, Aunty Stephanie.

So, a pretty mundane weekend, but I got to spend some of my money, so that's always a good thing.

Randomness...

In response to Reid's latest comment: Change, I think, is an awesome thing. And while you're not usually too impressed with it when it happens, the benefits that are reaped once you realize that the change has occured and there really isn't anything you can do about it but roll with it are of so much more consequence than if you were without it. If you asked me nine months ago how I was feeling about my changed relationship status, I would have said that it sucked and I didn't like it. But, nine months ago, I wasn't aware that I was heading down a road that would lead me here - to this place in my life - where I am most important. In all honesty, I had forgotten what it was like to be me. I got lost in the first relationship of my life and, along the way, forgot who I was and what made me happiest.

So, while change is the enemy in the beginning, I believe that it, ultimately, leads to good things. So, Reid, yes...change is funny - or rather, our perception of change is funny. And while we don't laugh in the beginning, I can assure you that there is no other purpose but to laugh at the end. After all, it's not really the destination, right? So, while you're still in the mix - that bad place where it doesn't seem like there's a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise that you'll find it, and the light will be so bright that it will obliterate the shadows.

When I was in that place, I used to repeat a thought to myself..."When will it be my turn? How long do I have to wait? Is it meant for me?" Seriously... As I sit here and type away, I keep thinking: "God, that seems so pathetic!" But, it's true. The only response I ever heard was: "Shut up already. Wake up tomorrow, and get ready for work, and quit your whining! Nothing ever happend to anyone who just waited for things to get better." Yeah, my inner voice was kind of mean. Anyway, the point is not that I talk to myself or that I tell myself to quit crying...the point is that each day is a step in the right direction as long as you're stepping toward the goal of being better. I've been stepping for nearly nine months now, and it's taken me so long to drop the notion that Kory is the last man that I'll ever love.

And the possibility that there is someone out there for me is exciting and alluring. It's a reason that getting up in the morning is not as hard today as it was nine months ago. The other day, a friend of mine said, "All these people that I know - who aren't nearly as pretty as I think I am - are getting engaged or are in serious relationships. If they can do it, what the hell is wrong with me???" I said to her, "No - don't look at it that way. Be glad for them! They've found someone who loves them and thinks that they are totally special. Yeah, they can do it! Don't think that there's something wrong with you because you aren't there yet. You really have to think of it this way: If they can find someone who loves them that much, then there's got to be someone out there who will think of me in that same way!" While the concept didn't quite hit her till a bit later, she understood that there has to be someone out there...and if not, you've still got yourself - you know what I mean?

I'm not trying to be arrogant or conceited, but I am saying that, there's someone for everyone...at least, that's what I hope for. You see, I'm not pretty or skinny or any of the conventional things that would make a female desireable, but I'm a good person who loves deeply and wants the best that the world has to offer...and that's enough for me (right now).

So, even if I spend the rest of my life alone, I'm still glad that I've experienced this change, and I can honestly say that, no matter what, change is good.

Fucking Assholes!

I forgot to mention something in the last entry. I AM NOW A FREE WOMAN (who has the closure that she’s been seeking for so long.) The ex was supposed to come down last week Saturday to pick up the rest of his stuff from my apartment. (Okay, we’ll recap.)

I’ve been broken up with him since last April but was his friend with benefit till July. We got into a huge blow out in July because I was moving, he was supposed to help, hurt himself on the job but still wanted to come to my apartment (can you guess for what?) When I told him not to, he wanted to know why, and I said it was because I wanted to move. What was he going to do? Watch me move stuff and pack stuff? No. So, huge blow out, didn’t talk for months. December rolls around, he said he’d maybe have a chance to come get his stuff, but maybe not. So, just let it roll of my back, right? Fine. January hits the calendar, and I call him to say, “When can you come and get your stuff?” - thinking that I’ve been holding on to it since July, right? (I even packed it up from my old apartment, moved to my new apartment and still had the shit in my house.) So, last week Monday he says, “Oh, I can get it this Saturday. I’ll be there at noon.” Okay. Fine. Wednesday rolls around and I get another phone call and message: “I have to push back the time till about 5pm. I have this church thing that I want to be part of.” Okay, fine…the plan is that he’s still coming down to get his crap and I’ll still get the closure I want so badly. Friday night at 6pm, he calls to say that he’s canceling the entire thing. So I call back and leave a message: Call me. We have to talk.

He calls me back when I’m at Rob and Ka`ai’s so I’m not going to talk to him when I’m with them. So I don’t pick up. He calls again, when it’s about 11pm and I’m just getting home. He says, “What’s up?” I say, “You tell me.” He says, “You said to give you a call.” I say, “Yeah, why are you canceling?” Thinking that, maybe, he’s got to work or some bullshit like that. He says, “My friends are having a birthday party on Saturday and I gave them my word that I’d be there.” WHAT? YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!! So I say, “Oh, you said you’d be there when you already told me that you were going to be here?” Sorry, did I just wake up in a parallel universe where you can be in two places at once? Yeah. I didn’t think so. So, we get into a fight where his biggest argument is that he told me that there would be a slight possibility that he would have to change his plans. Excuse me, but the last time I checked, changing plans didn’t mean canceling altogether, but, whatever – that’s fine. So, he asked if he could come next week (which is this Saturday) and I said no because I already have plans. He asked for the Saturday after that, and I said no because it’s my birthday weekend and I really didn’t want to deal with his shit during my birthday weekend. He asked for the Saturday after that, and I said it was Jenn’s birthday (and the Super Bowl) and I would be driving her around as she gets hammered and stuff. The following weekend is Rob’s birthday, the weekend after that is Kaitlin’s birthday, the weekend after that is Arthur’s birthday, and the weekend after that is J.T.’s birthday. So, I’ve got shit to do. Well, then he asked for Martin Luther King Jr. day, and I work, and he asked for Wednesday (yesterday), and I work – so it really wasn’t going to work that he get his way about when he could come and get his stuff. So, then he had the nerve to ask about that night. Yeah, at 11:30 at night, he wanted to leave Ames, Iowa and drive down to Omaha where he expected me to either be awake or be allowed to wake me up from sleeping so he could get his stuff. I said two things: HELL NO. Then he asked for Saturday night – late. I said I had plans. So, he says, “I’m only asking you for two minutes of your time.” I said, “Look, Kory, I would have given you an entire afternoon, but you want to change the plan.” He said, “How can you have plans and be willing to have given me an entire afternoon.” To which I replied, “When you called to cancel, you don’t really think that I waited for you to change your mind, did you? I’m not waiting at home for you, I called my friends up and we made plans for tomorrow night.” He said, “Well, will you be home later tomorrow night?” I said, “No. I don’t even know if I’m coming home tomorrow night.”


He said that he was trying to make it work out and that I was being difficult, and I said that he wasn’t. I asked him how much he wanted his stuff and I asked him how long it had been since we had broken up. He said that I’d never complained about his stuff being at my place before. And he’s right. I hadn’t. But the point is: don’t say you’re going to do something and then, when it’s not convenient for you, change the plan. I said to him, “Look, we had plans. You need to change them, and that’s fine, but this is the consequence of changing your part of the deal.” So, he’s all pissed off at me by now and starts to talk to me like I’m a kid, so I say, “Do you realize how you’re talking to me? What makes you think that you can talk to me like that? I’ve been doing you a favor by holding on to you crap and not chucking it – which – I should have done when I moved. The last time I checked, it didn’t say STORE-ALL at the entrance to my apartment building. And if it did say that, I’d charge your ass for storage space.” He said, “Can you just do me one more favor?” I said, “Kory – are you serious?” He said, “Fine. You know what? Just throw it all away.” I said, “Fine. Only, I wish you would have said that from the beginning – like when I moved – so that I wouldn’t have packed the shit up and moved it with me. I could have started the New Year the way I wanted to, and you wouldn’t have had to deal with the trouble of inconveniencing yourself with getting your shit.”

Can you believe the nerve of him? You know, I always thought that I would be able to be mature enough at the end of a relationship and the parting would be amicable. But with him, man, I never thought I’d be glad to say that I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that anymore. I always thought that there would be some part of me that thought of him in the best of ways. But, now I see so much that I missed these last seven years. It’s sad to think that I’ve changed and grown from this experience and that he’s still this little boy who hasn’t grown at all.

When I told Rob and Ka`ai about this, Rob said, "See...it was never about getting his stuff from you. It was about seeing how you live and where you live and wanting to know if he could come down here and tap it." While the thought is revolting, I know that Rob's right. That's all it was about for him. Well, no chance of rekindling anything with me...that's for damn sure.

Anyway, that’s the other thing that happened in the last two weeks since I blogged. Let me know what you think? I’m eager to see what kind of changes I’ve made since the beginning of my blogging, and I think that this is one of them!

It's Been A While...Let's Catch Up!

Wow, so the last time I posted was on the 5th of January! Sorry for the tardiness of my next entry. So, let's catch up already.

Nothing amazing has been happening on the love-life front. I'm still very infatuated with Arthur - from afar; of course, only now, I've found out Rob and Ka`ai, who I haven't told about my crush, have sneaking suspicions that I might like Arthur or Jake…Ka`ai says that she has a sense for these kinds of things and that she can totally see me with Arthur and not Jake. (This puts me at ease that she can see that, but I’m still a bit uncomfortable about them being on to me.) So, I have to ask, Am I that transparent? God, I hope not.

Oh, and a funny story: last Wednesday, January 11th, my boss’ son made a pass at me. (I know, funny, funny, funny) Anyway, I probably would have taken him a bit more seriously if he were about my age – even if he were a year or two younger – but I think I’d have to draw the line when the boy (and he is a boy) is the same age as my kid brother! Yeah, he’s only 17. I don’t think he realized that I would be turning 25 in a week or so, so I pointed that out to him. His reply? He didn’t really care…didn’t think it was important. I just laughed it off – for about five minutes – remembered he was still standing there and apologized for laughing so hard. I told my brother about it and he said that I was mean for laughing like that. I’d just like to know: What was I supposed to do? I’ve decided that there’s really nothing that I could have done besides brush it off and laugh at it. (Even though I did laugh for a long time.) Anyway, things were fine after that. I went home and saw him the next day. It was good that neither of us mentioned the previous night. He did make a confession on Friday though. He said that “…when it’s been a while, he starts to ‘look’ at ‘older’ women.” To which I replied, “Oh, so that’s why you hit on me the other day!” We both laughed that off. Since Friday had come and gone and there was no sign of more passes coming my way, I thought nothing of it…almost forgot about it, actually. Then, Monday came, and I was back at my boss’ house, taking care of his dogs while he was out of town. And, lo and behold, he tries again. This time, a little more than the last time. He even told me that my hair smelled good. Persistent little fucker. I did the only thing I could do…laughed and left. Yes, I’ve seen him since, and no, we haven’t talked about it at all. It’s as though it hadn’t even happened. (Thank God.)

Let’s see…what else. Oh yes! My birthday is coming up next Friday, and we’re all going out after work. We’re going to another bar called Brownies and Jenn and Jadee have agreed to come out and take care of me. Since everyone knows that I didn’t really have a 21st birthday party – the way most 21-year olds celebrate it – they’ve decided that my 25th will be what my 21st should have been. In all honesty, I’m terrified beyond belief! I almost don’t want to go at all…I’m scared I’ll say something stupid, do something stupid, or palu (vomit). And God, I really don’t want to do that.

Hmm…Oh yeah! I’ve been offered a job in another one of the four companies that work together to create Ridgetop Holdings, Inc. (Rebar is just one of the four.) I would get an increase in pay and my own office. The only catch is that I would be leaving Rebar for Crane Rental and Rigging or Crane Sales and Services. The move is good for me – professionally – but I really like the people that I work with. It’s going to be a tough decision, but it’s not like I wouldn’t be seeing them – it’s just that I wouldn’t be seeing as much of them…Especially Arthur. But, I think I’m going to do it. Like I said, it’s a good move financially and professionally, and nothing will really change by my location and an addition of a few responsibilities. I will, though, lose the personal aspect of the job (where I work for Roger doing things like his bills and his dogs) which is not such a bad thing.

Anyway, that’s about it for now. I promise to try harder to blog more frequently – so that there isn’t some huge blog that takes up so much time. Oh! Starting this weekend, I’ve got plans for every weekend through the first weekend of March! Amazing, isn’t it? Anyway, I’ll blog a little later…especially if there’s something that I’ve forgotten in this entry. :)

Disappointment

Okay, so I'm very young in my understanding and enjoyment of football. I never really understood much about the game until recently, and I have discovered that I actually like it. I'm not seasoned enough where I can discuss the topic with any kind of knowledge or conviction, but I do enjoy the sport more than I have in the past.

Knowing this, is it any wonder that I would have watched the Rose Bowl last night? Well, I did, and I have to say that, while I live in the Mid-West and occasionally support the Big 12, I was rooting for the Trojans to take it all home last night. You see, I've got two cousins who are USC alums and so was supporting the team. Not to mention that I have, in my new found interest in the sport, learned that USC (in this past season) was a force to be reckoned with. So, I hoped.

Nearing the end of the fourth quarter - with only nine minutes remaining - I had hoped and hoped that they could hold on to their lead. Unfortunately, they couldn't and the defense lost it for them all. Oh well.

I suppose that it's not such a big loss, but with my hopes torn asunder, I suppose I can only look forward to next season. In any event, that's how my evening was spent - that and talking to my two sisters. (Actually, my sister and my cousin who might as well be a sister, too.) So, to them, I apologize for dividing my attention between our discussion and the game. I will endeavor to be a better listener and devote my attention to one thing at a time. :)

Updates and Revelations

Okay, so it's Wednesday and I've been avoiding the blog for a bit. I apologize. So, how was the New Year celebrations? In a word? Non-existant. Yep, that's right. I had a quiet night at home with Dora and Colby-Jack, and it was peaceful and relaxing. I spent some time on the phone with my family in Hawai`i and in California, was ambushed on the phone by, what everyone would deem a wicked wicked aunt, and read a lot.

My plans were to go out with my friend, Jenn, but her friend, Christi from Grand Island, NE, gave her a call and rather than keep Jenn in Omaha (which is what I would have liked), I told her that she should go and hang out with her friend who she hadn't seen in forever. No, no hard feelings because I did have an enjoyably quiet evening. I was looking forward to a night of debauchery, instead, I had a nice night where I didn’t have to dress up, do my hair or makeup, and I could just sit and relax with my babies.

Sunday wasn’t a big to do either. Dora and I met Rob and Elaine and trained for about a half an hour – just working on her obedience and new commands. I’m hoping that she’ll know how to fuss (pronounced foos – it’s a command for heel) properly by the time I take her home to Hawai`i. Again, very easy going and no stress whatsoever.

Monday was similar. I had a killer headache so we didn’t do too much, but we did go to train for a bit. I think she just likes to get out of the apartment and run around – because we did a lot of that, too. Then, after dinner on Monday, (shock of shocks) Kory called me! He wanted to know when he could come and get his stuff. I was so thrilled! I was seriously starting to wonder if he was going to come to get his crap! During the phone conversation, he says, “This is really nice – this talking to you and stuff.” So, I say, “Yeah, well…” And (here’s where the revelation comes into the picture) this is what I’ve discovered: I’m over him. It will be nice to see him, but I’m over him. Because as I was sitting there watching Dog The Bounty Hunter and talking to Kory, I realized that I really was still thinking about Arthur. It wasn’t a conscious effort thing where I had to bring his image in my mind…it was just there.

This discovery has led me to another: I really truly like Arthur. Every time I see him, I get these little butterflies in my tummy. A look, a glance, a gesture…it doesn’t take much. And I don’t think it’s rebound crap or that I’m clinging to someone to like because, for a long while, I denied any kind of emotion that was other than just being friends. Now, though, I am totally liking him!

Jeanean says that we need to plan another outing so that we can possibly get to be more than just co-workers. Anyway, it’s a sound plan and I’m up for just about anything. Anyway, that’s the update and revelation(s). Isn’t it interesting that things work themselves out that way?

It's Friday!!

Okay, so the week has gone by especially slow and there isn't really a whole lot to do in the office. To compound the speed of this week (or lack thereof), Arthur isn't in the office...today or yesterday! In any case, I just wanted to say that I'm super glad it's Friday. Until recently, I hadn't noticed that today is the last work day of the year! There's so much to do that it's not funny. (Not at work, at home.)

Tonight, I'm probably going out with Jenn. I think we're doing dinner. We'll see. As for this weekend, I'm not sure what's going on. I know I want to do something fun, but I'm not sure what that entails. I asked Jake what he was doing, and he said that he'll probably hit some bar up that's got a tropical themed party going on or something like that. He also mentioned that he was going to be "toe up from the flo' up." Hopefully, that's not what Jenn has in mind. Again, we'll see. I don't mind being the DD or anything like that, but I'm thinking that I don't want to be drunk or tipsy or anything that might impair my judgement. (Sorry if it sound like I'll be a bore...) It just doesn't sound like there's too much to do around here. I'm not a big party-er or a big drinker...what's left? I thought a nice dinner would be good, but I'd really like to do something other than what I normally do - cook and eat with a couple of married people. Not really my idea of fun, you know what I mean?

Anyway, Monday is a holiday and I'm looking forward to some time off again. There's this book that I've been reading, and I'm hoping that it'll turn out to be good. I like it so far, and even if it doesn't turn out to be a good one, that's okay because it only cost me a dollar. :)

Okay, that's all for now. I'll probably blog before I leave the office today. If I don't, Happy New Year and be safe y'all!

Wednesday Morning...

Okay, so it's nearly the afternoon, and I think it's important to say that this day is dragging on by. I'm getting a little hungry, so I know that it's almost noon, but I thought I'd blog first.

I was thinking, as I often do, and I've decided that this crush of mine is probably going to be just a crush. I really like Arthur, but I don't really see it going anywhere. Does that make sense? Besides that, I don't think he thinks of me in anything other than the co-worker relationship we share.

Furthermore, I spent part of my morning reading the bits that I've entered, and they've been a little narrow in scope. There is so much more that goes on in my life that I thought I should include them rather than let my entries focus too much on Arthur.

So, on to other things: Last night, Dora and I went for a walk. It was supposed to be the first of many walks, so I was only supposed to start out with a half an hour in mind. That was the plan: one half hour of walking at which time I would come home, put Dora in her kennel, pop in the Pilates DVD, and go for another workout. It's funny that life doesn't work the way you plan it to work. Dora and I stayed out for two hours and by the time I was home, I had big blisters under my feet and my ankle, and I was too sore to think about another work out. Dora was pooped and she went to take a nap in her crate while I made us our dinner.

Then, waking up this morning was fun. I actually got up and was ready to get going, but my legs were pretty sore. A little muscle ache never hurt anyone, so I think we'll go for another walk tonight. This time, I'll keep it to a half an hour or so. :)

Merry Christmas and Stuff...

So, the Christmas holiday has passed, and it wasn't a big deal or anything, but I had a great time. I went with my friend, Jenn, to her family's house in Kearny, NE. (That's pronounced, Car-nee) Anyway, it was a blast. Her family is crazy - just like mine - so I didn't have any problems fitting in. I was proud of the role of babysitter as I had forgotten about what it was like to have little ones around. It was fun.

We left on Saturday morning and returned on Sunday evening. It wasn't a long visit, but it was a good visit. We had dinner with Rob, Ka`ai, Calli, and Alan on Christmas night, and Jenn came along too. On the drive back to Omaha, it was really nice because we got to talking about all sorts of stuff. Oh, and we decided that we really like number seven on the Carrie Underwood CD. If you have it, listen to it...if you don't, find someone who does and then listen to it.

I got to sleep over Calli and Alan's house on Sunday night because Al and I were going to go to the bookstore on Monday. (And we did.) So, we go to the bookstore and then we head over to IHOP for a bite before going home again. Then, while we're eating, Al says, "So, when are you going to make a move on Arthur?" I thought it was totally hillarious because Jenn, Calli, my mom, and my sister are asking the same thing! So, I told Al, "Oh, no...not you, too!" He said that he just wants me to be happy and that liking Arthur has made me happy lately. I said thanks and that it makes me feel good to know he cares so much. Then, the shock of shocks happened...Kory called me. I missed the call because I was eating with Al, but he left a message. He just wanted to wish me a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and hoped that I was doing well. The really nice thing about it all is that I know just how well I'm doing!

No, I'm not rolling in the dough or anything like that, but I feel like my life is a lot richer this year than in years past. For example, I have family all over the place - there's Pua in California, all the family in Hawai`i, Jenn, Rob and Ka`ai, Calli and Al, and now Jenn's family in Kearny, too! I am truly a blessed person to know that I have such good things around me.

Anyway, that's all I have for now. Still totally "ga-ga" over Arthur, but that's okay. Oh, and while I made a big "OOPS" last Thursday - our bar night - I'm really happy to say that Jake hasn't said anything to make me thing that he will say anything...and he hasn't done anything that would make me believe my secret is in jeopardy. Yay! All right, well, leave a comment if you like, but for a Tuesday morning with little to do, I'm thinking it'll be a pretty good day!

One And A Half Hours And Counting!

So, it's nearly 1:30 on Thursday afternoon, and my co-worker, Jeanean, and I are planning to head out of the office at 3pm for our little afterwork get together. I must say that I think I'm rather cute today. I've straightened my hair, got my awesome Seven7's on, and a fleece sweater from Old Navy. (One of the three things I got when I was with you, Pua.) Yes, the make-up is did, and the only downside of this all is that I stayed up way too late making everyone's cookies for Christmas.

I was up till about 3 am and woke up to get ready for work at about 6 or 6:30. I've had a Red Bull and it worked for a while, but now, I'm all jittery. I even ate lunch and still I feel the palpatations and crap. Oh well, it's a sign and a lesson learned: no more Red Bull for Maka. :)

I'm super excited because I feel like things will be fun tonight. I just want to have fun with people who are different from those that I'm usually hanging with. Does that make sense? We'll see how tonight goes and if it goes well, maybe it can happen again.

Anyway, that's all for now...just a quick update before I take off...I'll definitely have more on this tomorrow! Wish me luck! :)

Randomness

Do you ever think about all those missed opportunities? How do you overcome the thought that something might have been or could have been if only you'd taken the chance? I'm so afraid that I'll miss some opportunity that I'm almost stricken with fear.

Just think of all the missed opportunities that have passed by. How do you get on? Well, for me, I don't want to spend my life waiting for something to happen, so the only answer is to get up and move, right? I know this is going to sound cheesy, but Carrie Underwood's new CD has a great song on it for all those people who are tired of waiting for things to happen. It's called Wasted and I think if you get the chance, listen to it. Now, I'm not a fan of country music, but this song has inspired me somewhat.

Anyway, that's my thought. That and the idea that a life of regret is a life not truly lived. "I don't want to spend my life jaded, waiting, to wake up one day and find that I've let all these years go by...wasted..."

Wednesday Night

Well, I had hoped to have cookies made, but it wasn't a good night for it on Monday, so tonight is all about the cookies! I think I'm making several batches of different kinds of cookies. My cousin gave me a recipie for some spice cookies that look good, so I think I'll try that, too. We'll see what happens. Jenn is coming over to Rob and Ka`ai's house. Normally, I would just do it at my house, but Ka`ai wants to make cookies, too, so I said I'd bring my stuff over so that we could all make cookies. I've got to go and pick up some butter, eggs, sugar, and vanilla extract - plus whatever ingredients are needed for the spice cookies. I'm excited. I figured, if I can make six different kinds of cookies, everyone can get two of each for a nice dozen. Does that make sense?

It's rather quiet in the office today. Arthur is out in Indiana today. He had to go on a company errand which required him to be in Indiana to get a truck and drive it all the way back to Omaha. Oh well. I asked him if he was sure that he would be back by Thursday, and he said, "Oh, I'll be back for Thursday - you don't have to worry about that." (Yay!) And it's not so much what he said as how he said it. You know what I mean? So, hopefully, he'll be back by tonight and be in the office tomorrow. I even gave him some jelly beans for his drive back. I hope he took them with him and didn't leave them here. Oh well.

Oh, and the reason that I wanted to make sure that he was back for tomorrow is because we're supposed to be going out after work. No, not just Arthur and me, but all of our co-workers. It should be a fun outting - especially since word's gotten out that I've not partied before and stuff. Anyway, that's why I want to make sure that he'll be back here tomorrow.

Other than that, there isn't anything else going on. Dora performed well with protection work last night. She was far too excited to do any obedience training, but Rob said that she did an excellent job with her protection work. He said that she has a nice, deep bite, and when she re-grips, she naturally takes the bite all the way to the back of her mouth. He also said that her grip is really good. For example, the way in which we make a dog "out" an object is to grab their collar and lift them straight up. This makes the dog uncomfortable and the dog will automatically "out" whatever is in his or her mouth. With Dora, last night, she was biting a bite pillow. I grabbed her by her collar and held her straight up for about two minutes. Usually, she'd drop it because there's only so much air that she can get, but she held on so tight that I had to pull her up by her pinch collar. Even then, it took a minute or so for her to let it go. I guess she was really into the protection work last night. (She should be because she hadn't had a bite for about three weeks so far.) The next step is to start tracking. Pua - that's an exercise where we lay a track (stomping our feet in the ground and laying some food in various parts of the track we're creating) and the dog has to pick up on our scent, follow the track, lie down whenever there's an article in the track (for advanced dogs, we use articles), and find the article at the end of the track where the dog has to lie down with the object between his/her feet.

So, that's how yesterday went. Monday turned out to be a good night for Jenn and I to hang out. We kept reciting lines from The 40 Year Old Virgin and it was too funny for the two of us. Anyway, tonight is cookie night and tomorrow is bar night. Wish me luck with cookies tonight and with Arthur tomorrow night!

This Past Weekend...Up To Today

Well, there wasn't anything major that happened. I watched The 40 Year Old Virgin too many times, I cleaned my apartment, and I went to Schutzhund training on Sunday morning.

Can I just say that I've got great friends and an awesome (albeit dysfunctional) family? I finally got to talk to my sister the other night - which hasn't happened for a while because, well, a couple of things: 1) she has a new boyfriend which monopolizes a lot of her free time, and 2) she got sick and was told not to talk. Now, this second thing that happened to her is actually very funny to me. If you know anything about my sister, you know that she's not one for shutting up. She's pretty talkative and can go a mile a minute. So, having to keep totally quiet is just too funny and cruel a punishment for her.

Anyway, enough about that. On Saturday, I cleaned. My friend came over and said that she wanted to clean my house with me, so I said "Okay." Normally, I would have been mortified, but if I didn't have any kind of help, I think I would have become overwhelmed and just stopped. It was way better that there was help because I began to unpack and all that good stuff and my apartment actually looks decent! (Even though I don't have any furniture.)

Then, there's Sunday with dog training. Dora was actually performing well yesterday. Morgan - Roger's son and member of our Schutzhund club - and I will be getting together every Tuesday and Thursday night for extra training. I want Dora to start advancing. I asked him whether or not I was being too hard on her and expecting too much, and he said that I wasn't. He's acutally a great trainer. He's patient and he keeps at it. I think I can learn a lot from him if I apply myself and really start to work with her. He said, too, that since she's still in heat that she'll be useless and a huge space cadet until it's over, so I should be patient. Tomorrow is our first session. We'll see how it goes. He was working with her yesterday, and already I saw great changes in her. I'm super excited to see what she can do. I'd also like to start her on her tracking, too. We'll see what Morgan says.

Tonight is all about the cookies! I'll be baking and hopefully I can come up with about 10 dozen cookies or so. We'll see what happens tonight.

Anyway, that's all for now...

Response For Reid

Okay, my greatest of friends, here goes:

First - you have to learn to differentiate between loving her and being in love with her. Of course there's love there. She's been part of your life for how many years? Do I love Kory any less because of what I've been through or who he's become? No, not really. Can that person be a part of my life now that I've decided that I need to change? No, not really. I will always love Kory for who he was and what we've shared, but that time has come and gone, and I am worth so much more! It's simple, and it's complicated, but the truth of it all is this: it's going to suck for a while to come and the more you let her come back to you, the longer it will suck. I've got it easy: I don't have a Ryen. You two, for the sake of your son, have to be amicable, but that doesn't mean that she should ask you to help her find the closure that you were working so hard to achieve! God, I could wring her neck and watch her squirm for the pain she's causing you!

Second: Don't worry about focusing on the bad so much. It's normal to focus on the bad when that's at the front of your mind. I think that I focus on the good because the bad can be so overwhelming, and I don't want to face it all at once...so I have to break it up with this and that - just to bring some balance.

Reid, you're a great person. Don't let this messed up thing that is your and Renell's relationship ruin what you might truly believe a relationship can be. I know that love isn't perfect. I know that you're bound to hurt now more than before, but I also know that you are a great individual. After all, I don't think our friendship would have endured all the years and break-ups if you weren't steady and strong. Yeah, life can get down on you, and yeah, shit happens, but you're better than all those things that come at you because you can survive them.

And just for good measure: always defer to the Golden Rule: Treat others as you would like to be treated. What's good for the gander is good for the goose, you know what I mean? If she couldn't do for you, then there's no reason in the world that you should be asked to take steps back in order to help her out. Yeah, helping people is great, but you're no use to anyone if you're not around...get what I mean?

Everytime I think that I should do something to help Kory, I have to ask myself a few questions: 1) Will this help or hurt me? 2) Would he do this for me? 3) Can I do this and be as I am at this very moment? In order to proceed, I have to answer in the most beneficial way that I possibly can. If it's going to hurt me, I don't do it. If he wouldn't do this for me, I don't do it. If I can't be as I am at this very moment, it doesn't get done. Be a little selfish, Reid. Think of you first. It's not about whether or not Renell would be more appreciative...it's about whether or not you will take two steps forward or twelve steps back.

Simple, yet complicated. I never told you this - or even journaled it - but Kory called me a couple of Saturdays ago. Yeah. And he left a message! (I know, I know, big deal - but it is a big deal because he never left messages for me.) Anyway, my first impulse was to return the call...but I didn't do it. In his message, he said he'd get back to me. Now, whether that happens or not, it doesn't matter - because I'm the better for this situation. Does that make sense?

Right now, my life is all about me. It's about doing what makes me happiest, and making sure that I'm taken care of every second of every minute of every hour of every day. Because when I go to sleep at night, there's only me; and when I wake up in the morning, there's still just me, so I've got to make sure that I'm happiest - no one else. Now, with you, you've got Ryen to think of. If Renell puts him up as a barganing block, you have some difficult choices to make, but I think you'll do what's best for you and then for Ryen...not Renell.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I love you dearly and that you're someone special to me. Even though you are feeling like you're down and have taken several steps back on the road to recovery, I know that you've learned a valuable lesson in all this. Good luck and keep your head up...I'm very proud of you and all you've accomplished - even with this little setback!

TGIF!

Oh, how I love Fridays! Sometimes, in the morning, I'm afraid they'll last forever. Then, I get to doing something and they seem to just fly right on by.

That's how my day was today. I got to work this morning and it just dragged on. Then, I got the boys (Arthur and Jake) to answer some movie question thingy and it was too much fun. Well, even before that, the boys came into the office and we were waiting for our 9 am meeting (which didn't happen). We got to talking about the movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin" and Jake and I are just laughing our asses off! It was too funny to find someone who thought it was just as funny as I did!

Anyway, to make a long story short, the first half of my day was pretty slow (with the exception of the movie discussion and the movie game) and the second half of my day seems to have just flitted away. But, there is no sadness to it because I'm kinda glad that the day is almost over. I get to go home in a half an hour, and I'm looking forward to taking Dora for a walk. We haven't been on a walk in a long time, and I think she would have some fun! So, happy weekend to y'all and have fun!

Christmas Party 2005!

On Wednesday, Davis Rebar employees (and a couple of my friends, Calli and Alan, and Alan's Mom) came to Rob's house for a Christmas party!

We had Famous Dave's Bar-B-Que for dinner, a gift exchange, and lots of Christmas cheer. And yes, Arthur was there! I went home after work to take a nap, shower, and get ready at my leisure. Well, I overslept with my nap, had to rush to get ready, and ended up leaving one of my best buds hanging because there was major miscommunication.

In spite of all that, I had a great time. Jake (this player guy from the office) was there, and I believe it is his personal mission to get me hammered.

For dinner, I sat at the table with Ka`ai, Tim, Jake, and Rob. Later that evening, Cal, Al, and his mom joined us. It was really nice because once he was done with his dinner, Arthur came over to the table and sat with us. Then, when I was done with dinner and the gift exchange and people were starting to leave, I mosied on over to the loveseat and planted my behind down. Startling enough, it was where Arthur and Jake were sitting. I didn't think anything of it until Arthur came to sit down next to me. (Yay!) Jake came back and gave me this sour look, but I showed him that there were more seats to be had, and he sat down on an open seat across from the loveseat where Arthur and I were sitting.

It was cool because we were laughing and having an all around good time. And every once in a while, I would catch him looking my way with this sleepy/dreamy look in his eyes and, "Ahhh...." It was nice. (Okay, you can proceed to roll your eyes and mock me, but as I type all of this, I'm smiling from ear to ear!)

Anyway, I think Calli and Al's mom (Joanne) got a couple of pictures. We'll see what they've got. If they're good, maybe I can share them! So, the night went along, and soon it was about 11 pm. Everyone left after that but me and Cal, Al, and his mom. We left shortly thereafter. Calli was bummed because she wanted to make a move for me on Arthur, but she didn't because she couldn't get him when he was completely by himself.

I'd say the night was a total success, and after that, there's a plan to go out to a bar after work some time next week! I'm truly excited!! Anyway, wish me luck!!!

12 Days Start Today!

So, this is the first of the twelve days of Christmas. Have you done something to pay tribute? I have. Today, I was in the office at 7 am! Why was I here so early? Well, it's because I came in to decorate my office with some Christmas cheer.

I took blue, silver, and white as my thematic colors. My Christmas tree is a little three foot tree (that isn't real). In any case, it's pretty in here. There are even stockings for everyone in Rebar! I'm so happy and feeling in such the Christmas spirit!

Anyway, it's been a great day and I'm super tired, but I thought an update would be good. Happy 12 Days!!!

Friday Update

Well, my Friday is almost over. I've got another hour and a half or so and there really isn't a whole lot for me to do. So, I thought I'd bother with an update.

I'm feeling a little discouraged today regarding my crush on Arthur. I'm thinking that it's going to come to nothing and that's got me a bit bummed. I don't think he thinks of me as I do him. I'm also feeling like I should just give up on it...let it go and fizzle into nothingness. (How dramatic, huh?) Anyway, that's got me kind of down.

I can hang like I'm one of the guys, but that's all that ever comes out of it...friends. I dunno...maybe I'm just doomed to being a lonley old woman who has cats and dogs as her family.

Anyway, enough darkness. I'm still looking forward to shopping tonight. I kind of can't wait to go and pick something out and plan my look and everything. Oh well, we'll see how everything goes tonight. Have a great Friday night!

Randomness

As in previous times, I've been derelict in my duty to blog. There hasn't been very many things going on for me...just the usual stuff. I've been at Rob and Ka`ai's house (two very good friends of mine) helping with getting their baby's room together.

It's so exciting to have a little one on the way. I've been thinking that my biological clock has been ticking, and helping them makes it so that each tick is louder. But, that's okay. I'm fully aware of what my body's saying to me and it's all right. My turn is going to come...eventually, right?

Okay, enough of that stuff. I'm getting super excited about our little work Christmas party that's happening next week. We're supposed to bring a gift so that we can exchange and what not, and I've only told one person what it is that I'm bringing. He thinks it's cool, but he also thinks that I shouldn't go over the $15 gift cap. Oh well. I told him that I wanted everyone to want my gift...after all, my shit is tight...why wouldn't they want it?

Nah, I'm just playing. Anyway, that's what's been going on. I get to go shopping tonight. The top that I was going to wear to the party got ruined...Dora got at it and proved, once again, that she is a destructo-dog every now and again. So, I'm going to get my little gift for the party, a nice little outfit because I need to feel like I look my best when Arthur sees me outside of work, and I'm going to get some decorations for the office.

Well, that's it for now...wish me luck!

Spilled The Beans...

Alright. Here's the deal. I've been crushing on Arthur for a while now, and the only people who know are great friends. I decided to change all that today. Before I took my little half an hour lunch, I spilled the beans to my co-worker and office mate, Jeanean. She thinks it's a great little match and that she's noticed that Arthur comes down to the office to visit quite often.

Anyway, she's all for it, and I just have to say that I'm thrilled! She's got all these plans working out in her head as to how to get the two of us together. Plus, and this is the best part, she's promised not to say anything to anyone about my little crush - which is now turning into something more, I think.

But, that's what I wanted to say. Also, that I have amazing people in my life. Yeah, there are those downers that just, well, bring you down, but then there are the people who, when you talk to them or think of them, just make the world feel so much better. Do you have people like that in your life? If you do, then I'm so thankful that you have what I think is a great gift. If you don't, no worries; I'm sure there is someone out there who can help to brighten the days when they get a little cloudy. So, to all the brighteners of days, thanks for being there for me!

Second Day Of The Week

So, Monday is come and gone, and I'm left with a frigid Tuesday morning. It was so hard to get out of my nice and warm bed this morning to walk around in the cold of my apartment. It's days, weeks, and months of extreme temperatures that make me miss home the most.

Anyway, I got a comment from Reid last night, and yes, Reid, you're right again. This is my issue, though: While I can deal with the rejection, it's the aftermath that troubles me. I work with this guy, and I would hate, absolutely hate, that there would be any kind of uncomfort for either of us - but especially me. Right now, the relationship is great...We're friends, we talk, we get along really well. We laugh a lot and joke a lot and it's all around goodness. I don't want to lose that by saying something that could spoil all the good fun. You know what I mean?

I dunno...maybe I'm just being silly, but that's how I'm feeling. I like that I'm crushing on him...I like the way that it makes me feel to see him or think of seeing him. I get all excited and giddy, and it's absolutely ridiculous, but it's fun.

I talked to my mom about it last night, and she's more embarrassed that her daughter hasn't yet taken the initiative and, as she says, "rushed him." But she understands that I'm having fun with it...that I'm liking the way it's making me feel. I'm just so afraid to loose all that, you know?

Anyway, enough of that. Reid, the beer, you'd be disappointed to know, is nothing so special as Guinness or Red Stripe. Sorry to bum you out further. Anyway, that's all I've got for now. Until next time!

Updates (This one should have come before the other one)

Okay, so I forgot some things that I wanted to mention before...sue me!

Last week Thursday, I got to ride in the hot truck with Arthur. Did I mention that he has a hot truck? It's Dodge Ram 2500, Diesel engine truck...very hot, indeed! Anyway, Bob and his wife rode in their car that was filled in the back, so Arthur and I rode in his truck, and it was great.

Then, on Friday, Arthur, Bob, our boss, and I went out to lunch. I got to play with Arthur's newest little one (another little boy German Shepherd) and we bonded (sortof). He followed me wherever I went and even helped me to start the car. Also, I gave him treats. You know what they say, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. (If the saying doesn't work for men, it surely works for dogs!)

Then, on Saturday (yes, the same day as the party) my baby, Dora, came into season! I can't believe that my baby isn't a baby anymore! I'm so excited! I was so sad that I had missed her first heat that I just got to the point of accepting that I had missed it. But, this is her first heat, and I'm here for it, and I'm such a proud mom...it's strange, I know, but I'm proud. I even called family at home to tell them the good news!

Okay, those are the things that I forgot to include on the other entry. But I believe that's it for now!

Another Monday

So, it's back to the grind this morning, and yet, it's not so bad really. I think today will be a slow day for me. My co-worker is leaving at half day for a test that she's really nervous about. Good luck, Jeanean! I know you'll be great and fabulous! (It's a pretty tough test and she's working really hard so that she only has to take it once!)

I got to see "the man" this morning. It was brief, but, as always, wonderful. I just like to hear him speak and watch him speak, and it's great.

I got to work early this morning - again - so that I could get a head start on stuff (and in hopes of being able to catch a quick glimpse) and it appears that this will be an unusually slow Monday for me.

I did have a fabulous weekend, though. On Saturday, two of my very great friends got engaged. CONGRATULATIONS!!! And there was a great party (1/2 birthday party for him and 1/2 surprise engagement party for her) on Saturday to celebrate so very many things. It was awesome! And, I finally found a beer that I like! I met this really crazy lady named Becky, and she, Jenn, and I hit it off and were the divas of the party! We had so much fun that I'm losing my voice. (Which might not be such a bad thing when it comes to talking to Arthur.)

Anyway, I was called a chicken shit several times this weekend and was told to just "ball up" and ask him to hang out and stuff like that. I can't do stuff like that! It's crazy! (Not only is it crazy, I'd be opening up myself to rejection, and I really don't think that I could take that...not now - hell, not ever!) I know it sounds really stupid, but I was burned so badly by Kory, and I'm really enjoying this crush of mine. And the more I think about it, the more real it becomes.

Anyway, that's all for now. I know it's really not as coherent as usual, but it's one of those days. Write me back and lemme know what you're thinking! Me :)

Baby Fever

So, I found out yesterday that there is yet another person at my work place that is expecting! Can you imagine what that's like? I mean, I've played with babies and I've had little ones around me for a while, but I've never had baby fever as I do now.

It's been going on for about eight months now, but I feel this deep-rooted desire to have little ones around me all the time. I thought I could asuage the feeling by getting another pet, but it hasn't worked out quite like that. While I love my baby, Dora, it's just not the same. And while I understand the practicality (or lack thereof) of having a baby, that doesn't lessen the desire.

Two of my best friends are expecting their first baby in January, and I am so jealous! I want to scream and shout, "When's it my turn!?" This is where anger comes into the picture. Why did Kory have to go and ruin my carefully laid plans? I mean, I thought I would be on my way to engagement if not marriage and the prospects of having a family shortly thereafter. I'm not a spring chicken anymore and I'm feeling like I'm getting older and older as each wasted moment passes me by.

And while there is progress in my growth from the time of my breakup till now, I'm still single. And being single, while it is liberating, is still a pretty lonely place to be.

On the bright side, my crush on Arthur has put me into somewhat better spirits...even while it's only a one-sided crush and my singleton status remains constant. I did share with another friend, though, the secret of my crush. I'm praying and hoping that I haven't put misplaced trust in her hands. I'd hate to get burned again.

Anyway, enough darkness for now. Reid, thanks for linking me. You'll have to tell me how to do it so that we can link each other. Or, maybe you could do it for me since I wouldn't have the slightest clue as to how to do it? And it looks like you're doing much better - from this point of view, anyway. I'm glad that you went to Kamehameha's Thanksgiving Tournament. I'm also glad to see that progress, while slow and steady, is catching up to you. And, please, stop thinking that there is so much hate out there for you - instead, just visit with me and you'll remember how much love there is for you - even if it is from only one person that will profess and proclaim it. :)

What A Day...

Wow. I hadn't realized how difficult Wendesdays are. There's so much to do and so little time whith which to do it that I find myself trying to keep track of things so that I'm not feeling like I'm losing my mind so much.

My Break-Up Buddy asked me, last night, if I had been thinking about Kory. I said that, over my little Thanksgiving vacation, that I thought of him a couple of times. First, I thought of him because I wondered if he called me on Thanksgiving to wish me a happy holiday. Then, I thought of him one other time because I thought to myself how strange it was not to have heard from him during the holiday. The first time we broke up, we began talking again right around Thanksgiving. Now that December is knocking on the door, I keep thinking of what I'm going to do about Kory's stuff. I'd like to call him, one more time, and ask him to get his stuff before he goes home. In truth, I'd like to see him, just to make sure that things are as they should be...done.

I am having more fun with my crush every single day, and I look forward to coming to work - for more than just the stuff that keeps me busy in a day, but to see Arthur also.

Anyway, things are progressing just fine and I'm hoping for happy endings. (Not really the kind that you'll read in fairy tales, but the kind where I'm happiest in the end.) Don't you think we should all look forward to that kind of happy ending?

Tuesday Mornings...

Oh, boy, it's my first day back at work, and it's been interesting. I've seen Arthur, and it was soooo nice. Every time I see him, I have little flashbacks of my dream. And although it happened so long ago, I still get little butterflies in my tummy. :)

It was a bummer to have to leave my cousin in California yesterday. I flew all day and almost had to get detoured to Kansas City because of the wind in Omaha. And, like I wrote to her today, it's offical: Omaha sucks. It's not that it's a bad place, it's just that, with the beautiful weather in L.A., I was loathe to return to the frigid climate of the mid-western winter in Omaha. On the plus side, though, I was able to pick up my baby today! I missed Dora terribly, and when I picked her up from the Vet's office, she was jumping around wildly and making so much noise! She's with me now, at the office, and it's so nice to have her here. My co-worker's grandson is coming in this afternoon for a bit, so hopefully, they'll keep each other busy.

Okay, so back to Arthur, because I have to write about it or I'll pop! It was really nice to see him this morning. I'm infatuated and dealing as best I can with what feels like a middle school crush. Anyway, it was great because we all wanted to eat Subway for lunch, so he went on what my co-worker, Jeanean, likes to call a "Subway Run." He brought us back lunch and we all had lunch in my office. Sigh. Anyway, it's not much, but it made my day all the brighter.

Anyway, I'm going to get back to work because there's lots of it and I should get to it, right? Enough daydreaming. Anyway, I hope y'all had a great Thanksgiving holiday and I hope that the world is starting to right itself for you. Reid - I'm glad to know that progress is being made. I'm proud of you and proud to be a friend of yours! Let me know if I can do anything else to help you in any way! I'm here for you!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Okay, so it's the day after, but I was totally monopolized yesterday. It seems that dinner took longer than I had anticipated and it was a crazy crazy day. I met my nephew (actually a second cousin), Jacob, and I think he's the cutest thing since baby shoes! It's amazing what a baby brings to one's life, isn't it?

Anyway, our Thanksgiving was a success and dinner was delicious! We're already planning for next year! I'm so happy that I decided to do this trip this year. It's been tough with the whole Kory thing, but I'm really coming along. I am happy in my role as a single person and truly excited about the possibilities that lay ahead.

If there's one thing that I've learned on this trip, it is that family is everything. No matter how unhappy you might be at any given point in time, there is always someone in your family who understands and can help to ease your journey on a difficult path. My cousins are great. While one of them still has a lot of growing up to do, it is nice to see that he is on the right path.

So, I am thankful for my family - as disfunctional as they are, my friends - because life without friends is really no life at all, and for all the things that will help me to grow and prosper - including the hardships. I didn't think to include adversities until I thought about the fact that (here are two cheesey lines coming up) you're only given what you can handle, and what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Okay, okay, enough of the wise-man stuff...Thanks, too, to you, Reid, for giving me an outlet. I hope your Thanksgiving holiday went better than the last few weeks for you. I love you dearly and hope all is well!

Me :)

It's Been A While...

Okay, so I've been derelict in my duty to blog for the last few days, but I have a great reason why! I am in sunny California! I arrived in L.A. on Monday night for a week-long visit with my cousins. I have three cousins who live in California and two of the three will be spending the Thanksgiving holiday with me! I'm so happy!

In any case, that's why I haven't been very good about keeping up with my recovery - which, by the way, is finally where I can recognize things and accept them for what they are. For example, I realize that, while I am very much enjoying my crush on Arthur, when it comes to the thought of intimacy, it's Kory that I think of first...I suppose that's normal because I've been with Kory and have only had dreams about being with Arthur. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be with another man...Kory's all I've ever known - in all ways - including the biblical sense of the word.

Anyway, I just wanted to write that I am feeling tremendous and so excited that I can hardly contain myself. Last night, I cooked for my cousin Pua - who I'm staying with, and my other cousin, Bryan (and his little family) came over for dinner. I was thrilled that they enjoyed the dinner that I had made. I truly liked that people enjoyed my food. I love cooking for people - even if there's no real reason to cook other than to sit and eat together.

But, that's what I've been up to. Tonight, we finish our Thanksgiving dinner shopping, and tomorrow, it's out to Bryan's house where we'll prepare dinner. I'm very excited about this opportunity to really get to know Bryan's wife, Sarah. I believe that it was hard for me to accept her in the beginning, but I see how much love is between the little threesome (with their son, Jacob), and it makes me very happy to know that our future family's generations are in such loving hands.

What do you think? I think that's enough for now. Reid, if you're reading this, I did the unthinkable and left my phones at home in Omaha. Happy Thanksgiving if I don't get to talk to you! Love you. Me :)

Randomness...

So, it's been two nights since I've had my dream, and it's been two nights since that I've dreamed of Arthur. I told my great friend, Calli, about my crush on Arthur - not expecting her to know who he is - and she knows him! And she thinks he's awesome! And she likes him a lot!
(So much so that she called my sister and my mom and talked to them for about a half an hour each!)

Anyway, she thinks Arthur is awesome!

I'm flipping out! I think I'm going crazy! Calli has nothing but nice things to say about Aruthur. I'm so happy. It makes liking him a lot easier. Knowing that a great friend of mine - who is more like a sister to me - approves of the guy that I'm crushing on makes crushing on him a whole lot easier.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my happiness, and thought that this random thought would be nice.

Randomness

I was talking on the phone to my Break-Up Buddy last night, and we were sharing stories. She had a really good time with her bud from DC, and it was awesome. I cannot begin to say how happy I am that she's happy. Have you ever had that feeling? Even when your own world is crazy and confusing and it doesn't seem to make any kind of sense whatsoever, you have someone close to you relate a story that makes you feel happy. People say that happiness comes and goes like it's a thing that is expendable, but I think it's more like a virus...it gets you when you least expect it, and it spreads to those around you. I mean, we were on the phone, and she was telling her story, and I was listening to it, and I was just overcome with happiness for her.

In any case, the reason that I write is because I think I'm finally getting over Kory. I see his shortcomings for what they are and without making any kind of excuses for him. I realize that some of the things he's said to me or done to me wouldn't have been said or done by someone who truly cares for another person. When it comes down to it all, I deserve more. I deserve everything that I've ever wanted in a relationship.

My thoughts are automatically drawn to Arthur who, unfortunately, isn't in the office today. What a bummer! I was hoping to get my last fix before I leave for vacation in California. Anyway, it's kind of nice to be crushing on someone other than Kory. There's a kind of relief that's come over me, and I can't explain it. It's nice to know that I can get "excited" about the prospect of others when, it seems only days ago, I wasn't sure if I could go on at all.

I even talked to my sister last night and that was good. I miss her terribly, and I hope she knows how much I wish for her happiness. She gave some great advice last night, and while I'm worried about the whole Arthur thing, she says to me, "Umm, yeah, so you like him, but that doesn't mean anything. I hate to break it to you, but in order for anything to happen, the feelings have to be reciprocated." Isn't she great? She brought home to me that this could very well be one-sided. Then, she went on to tell me that she had liked this guy but brushed it off because (as I argue about Arthur) he could never feel that way about her. It turns out that he did feel that way but thought the same thing, so nothing ever came of their emotions for each other. I told her that it was a great story and that I didn't have the balls to say anything let alone do anything.

In any case, I'm happier than I have been in months, and I think it's because I've finally found that I can move on and that Kory isn't the last man that I'll ever love. (Not that I love Arthur, just that he's not Kory.) Anyway, that's all for now. Write me if you've got stuff to say, and to my sister - Yeah, you can swear if you like...

Lunchtime

At the end of the week, there are three of us who usually go out for lunch. "Bob" (my boss and a great friend of mine), me, and Arthur. Today was no different. Although, I feel different. Do you ever notice that there is usually something that happens and then the way you feel about someone or treat them is different?

Anyway, I feel like I'm laughing at his jokes more, looking at him more (almost as if I expect him to replay his role in my dream - which I doubt will ever happen), and just seeing him differently. Anyway, so, back to lunch. I thought it would be weird if just Arthur and I went to lunch, so I had to badger Bob to come to lunch with us. And believe me, it was like pulling teeth with Bob. It was almost as if he didn't want to come to lunch with us and wanted us to have a lunch to ourselves. In any case, I pulled enough teeth and twisted enough arms so Bob agreed to have lunch with us.

We ended up going to a place that's close to Bob's house. But Bob insisted that he had to go home for a quick chore and would meet us as the restaurant. Luckily, our big boss, Roger, was already at the restaurant, so we sat with him. Then, Bob showed up, and we had a nice lunch.

Anyway, to the dilemma...I think I'm starting to truly like Arthur. We laugh together and have, generally, a good time. I dunno. Maybe I'm just being silly. Anyway, just wanted to share my lunch time thoughts and to say, "Kory, who?" :)