What A Day...

Wow. I hadn't realized how difficult Wendesdays are. There's so much to do and so little time whith which to do it that I find myself trying to keep track of things so that I'm not feeling like I'm losing my mind so much.

My Break-Up Buddy asked me, last night, if I had been thinking about Kory. I said that, over my little Thanksgiving vacation, that I thought of him a couple of times. First, I thought of him because I wondered if he called me on Thanksgiving to wish me a happy holiday. Then, I thought of him one other time because I thought to myself how strange it was not to have heard from him during the holiday. The first time we broke up, we began talking again right around Thanksgiving. Now that December is knocking on the door, I keep thinking of what I'm going to do about Kory's stuff. I'd like to call him, one more time, and ask him to get his stuff before he goes home. In truth, I'd like to see him, just to make sure that things are as they should be...done.

I am having more fun with my crush every single day, and I look forward to coming to work - for more than just the stuff that keeps me busy in a day, but to see Arthur also.

Anyway, things are progressing just fine and I'm hoping for happy endings. (Not really the kind that you'll read in fairy tales, but the kind where I'm happiest in the end.) Don't you think we should all look forward to that kind of happy ending?

Tuesday Mornings...

Oh, boy, it's my first day back at work, and it's been interesting. I've seen Arthur, and it was soooo nice. Every time I see him, I have little flashbacks of my dream. And although it happened so long ago, I still get little butterflies in my tummy. :)

It was a bummer to have to leave my cousin in California yesterday. I flew all day and almost had to get detoured to Kansas City because of the wind in Omaha. And, like I wrote to her today, it's offical: Omaha sucks. It's not that it's a bad place, it's just that, with the beautiful weather in L.A., I was loathe to return to the frigid climate of the mid-western winter in Omaha. On the plus side, though, I was able to pick up my baby today! I missed Dora terribly, and when I picked her up from the Vet's office, she was jumping around wildly and making so much noise! She's with me now, at the office, and it's so nice to have her here. My co-worker's grandson is coming in this afternoon for a bit, so hopefully, they'll keep each other busy.

Okay, so back to Arthur, because I have to write about it or I'll pop! It was really nice to see him this morning. I'm infatuated and dealing as best I can with what feels like a middle school crush. Anyway, it was great because we all wanted to eat Subway for lunch, so he went on what my co-worker, Jeanean, likes to call a "Subway Run." He brought us back lunch and we all had lunch in my office. Sigh. Anyway, it's not much, but it made my day all the brighter.

Anyway, I'm going to get back to work because there's lots of it and I should get to it, right? Enough daydreaming. Anyway, I hope y'all had a great Thanksgiving holiday and I hope that the world is starting to right itself for you. Reid - I'm glad to know that progress is being made. I'm proud of you and proud to be a friend of yours! Let me know if I can do anything else to help you in any way! I'm here for you!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Okay, so it's the day after, but I was totally monopolized yesterday. It seems that dinner took longer than I had anticipated and it was a crazy crazy day. I met my nephew (actually a second cousin), Jacob, and I think he's the cutest thing since baby shoes! It's amazing what a baby brings to one's life, isn't it?

Anyway, our Thanksgiving was a success and dinner was delicious! We're already planning for next year! I'm so happy that I decided to do this trip this year. It's been tough with the whole Kory thing, but I'm really coming along. I am happy in my role as a single person and truly excited about the possibilities that lay ahead.

If there's one thing that I've learned on this trip, it is that family is everything. No matter how unhappy you might be at any given point in time, there is always someone in your family who understands and can help to ease your journey on a difficult path. My cousins are great. While one of them still has a lot of growing up to do, it is nice to see that he is on the right path.

So, I am thankful for my family - as disfunctional as they are, my friends - because life without friends is really no life at all, and for all the things that will help me to grow and prosper - including the hardships. I didn't think to include adversities until I thought about the fact that (here are two cheesey lines coming up) you're only given what you can handle, and what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Okay, okay, enough of the wise-man stuff...Thanks, too, to you, Reid, for giving me an outlet. I hope your Thanksgiving holiday went better than the last few weeks for you. I love you dearly and hope all is well!

Me :)

It's Been A While...

Okay, so I've been derelict in my duty to blog for the last few days, but I have a great reason why! I am in sunny California! I arrived in L.A. on Monday night for a week-long visit with my cousins. I have three cousins who live in California and two of the three will be spending the Thanksgiving holiday with me! I'm so happy!

In any case, that's why I haven't been very good about keeping up with my recovery - which, by the way, is finally where I can recognize things and accept them for what they are. For example, I realize that, while I am very much enjoying my crush on Arthur, when it comes to the thought of intimacy, it's Kory that I think of first...I suppose that's normal because I've been with Kory and have only had dreams about being with Arthur. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be with another man...Kory's all I've ever known - in all ways - including the biblical sense of the word.

Anyway, I just wanted to write that I am feeling tremendous and so excited that I can hardly contain myself. Last night, I cooked for my cousin Pua - who I'm staying with, and my other cousin, Bryan (and his little family) came over for dinner. I was thrilled that they enjoyed the dinner that I had made. I truly liked that people enjoyed my food. I love cooking for people - even if there's no real reason to cook other than to sit and eat together.

But, that's what I've been up to. Tonight, we finish our Thanksgiving dinner shopping, and tomorrow, it's out to Bryan's house where we'll prepare dinner. I'm very excited about this opportunity to really get to know Bryan's wife, Sarah. I believe that it was hard for me to accept her in the beginning, but I see how much love is between the little threesome (with their son, Jacob), and it makes me very happy to know that our future family's generations are in such loving hands.

What do you think? I think that's enough for now. Reid, if you're reading this, I did the unthinkable and left my phones at home in Omaha. Happy Thanksgiving if I don't get to talk to you! Love you. Me :)

Randomness...

So, it's been two nights since I've had my dream, and it's been two nights since that I've dreamed of Arthur. I told my great friend, Calli, about my crush on Arthur - not expecting her to know who he is - and she knows him! And she thinks he's awesome! And she likes him a lot!
(So much so that she called my sister and my mom and talked to them for about a half an hour each!)

Anyway, she thinks Arthur is awesome!

I'm flipping out! I think I'm going crazy! Calli has nothing but nice things to say about Aruthur. I'm so happy. It makes liking him a lot easier. Knowing that a great friend of mine - who is more like a sister to me - approves of the guy that I'm crushing on makes crushing on him a whole lot easier.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my happiness, and thought that this random thought would be nice.

Randomness

I was talking on the phone to my Break-Up Buddy last night, and we were sharing stories. She had a really good time with her bud from DC, and it was awesome. I cannot begin to say how happy I am that she's happy. Have you ever had that feeling? Even when your own world is crazy and confusing and it doesn't seem to make any kind of sense whatsoever, you have someone close to you relate a story that makes you feel happy. People say that happiness comes and goes like it's a thing that is expendable, but I think it's more like a virus...it gets you when you least expect it, and it spreads to those around you. I mean, we were on the phone, and she was telling her story, and I was listening to it, and I was just overcome with happiness for her.

In any case, the reason that I write is because I think I'm finally getting over Kory. I see his shortcomings for what they are and without making any kind of excuses for him. I realize that some of the things he's said to me or done to me wouldn't have been said or done by someone who truly cares for another person. When it comes down to it all, I deserve more. I deserve everything that I've ever wanted in a relationship.

My thoughts are automatically drawn to Arthur who, unfortunately, isn't in the office today. What a bummer! I was hoping to get my last fix before I leave for vacation in California. Anyway, it's kind of nice to be crushing on someone other than Kory. There's a kind of relief that's come over me, and I can't explain it. It's nice to know that I can get "excited" about the prospect of others when, it seems only days ago, I wasn't sure if I could go on at all.

I even talked to my sister last night and that was good. I miss her terribly, and I hope she knows how much I wish for her happiness. She gave some great advice last night, and while I'm worried about the whole Arthur thing, she says to me, "Umm, yeah, so you like him, but that doesn't mean anything. I hate to break it to you, but in order for anything to happen, the feelings have to be reciprocated." Isn't she great? She brought home to me that this could very well be one-sided. Then, she went on to tell me that she had liked this guy but brushed it off because (as I argue about Arthur) he could never feel that way about her. It turns out that he did feel that way but thought the same thing, so nothing ever came of their emotions for each other. I told her that it was a great story and that I didn't have the balls to say anything let alone do anything.

In any case, I'm happier than I have been in months, and I think it's because I've finally found that I can move on and that Kory isn't the last man that I'll ever love. (Not that I love Arthur, just that he's not Kory.) Anyway, that's all for now. Write me if you've got stuff to say, and to my sister - Yeah, you can swear if you like...

Lunchtime

At the end of the week, there are three of us who usually go out for lunch. "Bob" (my boss and a great friend of mine), me, and Arthur. Today was no different. Although, I feel different. Do you ever notice that there is usually something that happens and then the way you feel about someone or treat them is different?

Anyway, I feel like I'm laughing at his jokes more, looking at him more (almost as if I expect him to replay his role in my dream - which I doubt will ever happen), and just seeing him differently. Anyway, so, back to lunch. I thought it would be weird if just Arthur and I went to lunch, so I had to badger Bob to come to lunch with us. And believe me, it was like pulling teeth with Bob. It was almost as if he didn't want to come to lunch with us and wanted us to have a lunch to ourselves. In any case, I pulled enough teeth and twisted enough arms so Bob agreed to have lunch with us.

We ended up going to a place that's close to Bob's house. But Bob insisted that he had to go home for a quick chore and would meet us as the restaurant. Luckily, our big boss, Roger, was already at the restaurant, so we sat with him. Then, Bob showed up, and we had a nice lunch.

Anyway, to the dilemma...I think I'm starting to truly like Arthur. We laugh together and have, generally, a good time. I dunno. Maybe I'm just being silly. Anyway, just wanted to share my lunch time thoughts and to say, "Kory, who?" :)

Sweet Dreams...

Wow. I haven't had a dream like this one since before I was with Kory. Isn't it strange that when you're with someone, well, at least for me, dreams of others cease? I mean, there were times that I'd dream of other hott guys, but they would pass and I wouldn't think anything of it. Last night, however, when I closed my eyes to sleep, I had no idea what was in store for me.

In my dream, I was in my office with a co-worker of mine - we'll call him Arthur. He is a real-life co-worker, hence the pseudonym. Anyway, I’ve always felt an attraction to him, but I just wasn’t sure if it was rebound crap or not. I’m still not sure, but whatever. Anyway, back to the dream. I was in my office at work, and it was just the two of us in here, and we were talking and laughing and flirting as usual. Then, out of nowhere, we’re both standing intimately close to one another, and I’m in the middle of a sentence, and he kisses me! Not the peck on the cheek or the friendly kind of kiss we exchange at home. This was a grab-me-by-the-shoulders, stun-me-into-silence kind of a kiss. Needless to say, it rocked my world – in the dream, anyway. It looked awkward from where I was seeing things, but the feeling was tremendous! Then, he let me go and looked at me – I guess, gauging my reaction. I felt stunned and didn’t know how to react, but then, I felt him pulling me closer and doing it again!

Now, this is where the strange part comes in. The rest of my co-workers started to file into the office as we were making out. Instead of pulling away, he pulled me closer and held me tighter! More than that, he lifted me up and told me to wrap my legs around him. I did as I was told, and he had me up against the wall. Our clothes were still on, mind you, and then I felt my back on my desk. We just kept kissing and kissing, and he held on to me as though I was the only thing keeping him grounded. That’s when he noticed the rest of our co-workers just standing there in shocked silence. He did this really sexy sideways smile to them, and then looked back at me. As he looked at me, he smiled one more time, kissed me soundly, and then let me up. He didn’t let me go, but he let me get up. He made sure that I was standing on my own two feet, his arm came around my waist, keeping me close to him. Then…I woke up.

I realized that I was now awake and I smiled to myself. What does this all mean? I don’t want to be weird around him because I’ve had an intimate dream about him. Any dream interpreters out there? Give me all you’ve got because I’m thoroughly stumped with this one.

Help? Please?

Before I Go...

One thought - maybe more:

While I love Kory to pieces, I don't think I could be with him. I mean, after last night's conversation and what he said to me, it made me really think about how he would say stupid things like that and it would hurt my feelings (as it had last night) and still, I would stick around. How pathetic is that? And while I think this (and type it) it doesn't make it any easier that I feel that there will be nothing and no one better than him.

Why is that? Why is it that the person that you had planned to spend the rest of your life with, who doesn't want you, can hurt you and still, you'd take him back? I mean, I have self-confidence. I have it as no one else does. But when it comes to guys and to the possibility of finding a happiness and passion as I had with Kory, I am the least confident individual you'll find. During our relationship, I would always say, "Yeah, I'm sure I could find someone else if I had to." Kory brought that up once...so, yeah, now that I have to find someone else, there's no one else who comes close - let alone surpasses what I believe I had in my past.

I would ask for more self-confidence. I would ask for help in rebuilding myself. Most of all, I would ask for a second chance at all those years that were good, bad, ugly, or otherwise. Because while there were great times, and all I can remember is the good times, I feel like it's time wasted. I mean, when I meet my soulmate and begin sharing my life with him (assuming that's even still a possibility) how stupid am I going to feel for the wasted 7 years of my life that I spent with Kory?

Comment - if you like. I'd like any kind of help and answers that the outside world has to offer.

Always looking for answers - Maka :)

The Morning After

Yesterday, it snowed...all day. Have you ever witnessed the first snowfall? It's truly beautiful. With the snow coming down all day, it got me to remembering that Kory and I would sit in my darkened apartment, snuggled under my down blanket, and watch the snow fallling. How picturesque, no?

Anyway, it got me missing him terribly, and I did the unthinkable...I called him. I did have a valid reason. Remember how we talked for 5 1/2 hours the last time we spoke? Well, I wanted to see if it was just a fluke and so I called to see when he wanted to come and get his things that were at my apartment. I left a message - as I normally would - and said to call me back so that I would know when to expect him to come and get his things. So, he called back, he said it wouldn't be until December - and maybe even that might not happen. Then, he said, "Whatever you do, please, just don't throw it away." Pause, contemplate, react. WHAT?! Why the hell would I do that? So, I asked, "Do you really think that I would do that?" He said, "No." So, I said, "Why would you think that I would do something like that?" He replied, "I was just joking." So, I said, "You sounded pretty serious to me." To which he responded, "No, it just sounds that way because I have a cold."

Again, WHAT? What kind of an excuse is that? I mean, come on! Really!?! Couldn't you think of some better excuse than, "I have a cold"? Anyway, I guess I got my answer because right after he said that he had a cold, he said that he needed to go because he was headed out. I'm thinking to myself, again, couldn't you come up with an excuse that was more plausible? Don't you think that if you have a cold, you'd stay inside on a night when it's freezing? Anyway, I suppose that's too much common sense for one person to handle.

This is the part that gets to me the most: Despite the conversation and its all-time rediculousness, I still have to wait for him to come and get his things. What should I do? Should I give him a timeline to work with? Should I say, "Hey, I need you to come and get your stuff because I don't want it in my apartment."? In all reality...I don't want it in my place. I was hoping that I could start the new year all fresh and devoid of past reminders. I mean, some things will always be a reminder of him - like Colby-Jack - my cat. Kory was with me when I got him and Kory loved him. But that's besides the point, right? Anyway, that's my Kory-rant-and-rave for the morning.

Reid called this morning...love that guy, but, damn it all, Reid...GET SOME SLEEP! How else are we to hang out and do all kinds of fun stuff when I come home in May? (Yeah, I know, far from November, but still, we're planners-aheaders.)

Before I Go...

Before I go home, I thought I'd update. I am truly thankful that I can do this. If you ever encounter people who discount the value of writing something - even though there may be no one to see or acknowledge it - screw them! This has been the most theraputic thing I've done since April.

I've written letters to Kory that I've never sent. Those gave me peace for a time, but this active writing on a regular basis - or whenever I think to do it - is far better than boring my "friends" who truly don't understand but continue to offer their half-hearted assistance. Again, to my friend who passed this on, I LOVE YOU!

Okay, very quickly - FOOD FOR THOUGHT: The one that you're meant to be with will never make you cry or hurt the way that you are hurting or crying now over the one that you thought should be it.

Randomness

I was thinking, over my lunch break, how easy it should be for me to walk away from everything that causes me pain - regarding Kory, of course.

My friend, you see, had a girlfriend who cheated on him. Is it any easier for him to be going through a break up because of her infidelity? Probably not. In fact, no, it isn't. But couldn't I rely on my anger if Kory had done something so callous?

I don't remember very many bad things about Kory. I mean, we could create a list of things that I can recall off the top of my head, but they aren't large things that would have devastated me if they happened. For example, he wasn't very neat about things. He sometimes just left a plate on the floor or on my desk when he was done using it. Or, he would throw a candy wrapper on the floor of my apartment when the trash can was only three or four feet away. Something that didn't bother me, until recently, was that I paid for almost everything. I say almost because there were times that he paid. But here's the part that really kicks the groin: I used to feel guilty because he paid! How STUPID is that? I mean, come on!

One thing that used to always get me where it counted was that he would hardly call me. Have you ever read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You"? Well, if he wanted to call me, the author writes, he would find a way to do it. If someone is into you, they would find a way to do just about anything, don't you think? Listen, again, it's the romantic in me talking.

Anyway, that was my random thought - that I should be able to get over this with ease but, for some reason or another, haven't been able to find a way out. Help? Please?

The Beginning of Hurt

A friend of mine gave me the address to his blog, and, as I read it, I find that we have so much in common. Recently, a relationship that I have been a part of ended - quite abruptly. I could bore you with how and why and all the gory details, but what would that do? It would only reopen wounds that have been thoroughly rubbed with the purest of salts, and I really don't think I could go through with that once more. But I will say that Kory and I were happy once - at least, I think we were.

We had been together for about seven years. Since October of 1998, we were "we". It was a long time coming, and when he finally realized that he shared the same feelings for me that I had for him, it was as though an epiphany occurred. I experienced true bliss my senior year in high school. I was in love - for the very first time in my life. You see, at 17, Kory was my first boyfriend, my first hand-holding, my first kiss, my first everything. How do you write about the first time love takes you by storm and is as earth-shattering as the fiercest of storms? Needless to say, by the time Spring rolled around, we were still very happy together. We were young and in love and nothing or no one could steer us from the notion that we would be together forever. I’ve learned, since our break-up, that your first is always going to be the hardest to get over.

Anyway, we made it through my first year away at college. You see, while I’m from Hawai`i, I chose a school that is in the mid-west. I went away on August 19, 1999, to Omaha, Nebraska. I was so sad to leave him and my family, but the excitement of being an “adult” was too enchanting. I was away, and yet, I had an anchor in my family and my relationship with Kory. Strange, isn’t it, that I was convinced and convicted in the belief that I could do anything as long as I had him and my family. Prior to our getting together, I could do anything on my own – as long as my family was with me in some way, shape, or form. In any case, I came home to him and to my family for the holiday season, and it was beautiful. The passion that we shared was phenomenal. It continued to be so – right to the end.

To make a long story short, I got tired of waiting for him. You see, Kory is in his fifth year in college and is in his second year of his third major. I’ve been patient. I waited and waited, believing that if I were patient enough, I would earn my way to be at his side for always. I have already been out of school for a year and half and am trying to make my way in the world. I have studied to be an educator, speech coach (as it is my passion), and am still trying to find my way in the world. I am not working in my chosen profession, but what I do pays the bills. Anyway, as I was saying, I got tired of waiting. I am now 24, and have been hoping against all odds that Kory would pick me. Does anyone know what it is like to feel as though you are the last one chosen?

It’s amazing that all I’ve wanted was to have him pick me – just decide to pick me instead of needing to know others. In the end, it turned out that Kory wanted to find himself – and that meant that I couldn’t go with him. You see, I know what I want in life. I want a family, I want to do what makes me happiest and what I am most passionate about. I want success, and I want love. I thought that I had some of those things – especially the love part, but I was mistaken. Like I said, I’m 24, and I feel that damned biological clock tick tick ticking away.

The irony of it all is that we had broken up twice before. His freshman year in college, he was worried that he would do stupid things with other girls. Why we got back together, I’m not quite sure. I had a traumatic year that year, and at the holidays, we were a couple again. (This was his second chance, I thought, and I’m a firm believer in the whole second chance thing.) Anyway, we stayed together till May of 2003. We broke up because I was planning on returning to Hawai`i upon graduation. Instead of returning home, for whatever reasons I didn’t, I stayed in Omaha. You see, I had a plan. I was going to go to a prestigious graduate program, start working, and start saving for a place of my own when I was ready to return home. The following April (of 2004), we were back together again. Kory said to me that he should just choose, and in that moment, he chose me, and my heart sang wondrous harmonies and praises. We were together until April of 2005. You would think that being broken up would mean that we would stop seeing each other and reaping the benefits of being a couple but without the title.

If you know anything about me, I’m a hopeless romantic. I think that because he says or does one thing, it means everything when, in fact, it does not. In July, there was a huge blow-out and we didn’t talk to each other. I told him not to call or bother because I was done being treated badly. I deserve so much more. I deserve everything I’ve ever wanted and more, and if he wasn’t going to give it to me, then I know that there is someone out there who would be overjoyed to do so. He did as I asked – just as I always knew and feared he would. Three weeks later, I got a message – it was an apology. Then, in September, something happened at home, and for a brief moment of insanity, I called him, and it was strange. Not until November 4th did we speak again. And here’s the odd part: our conversation was for 5 ½ hours!!! Who does that? Since that time, I’ve not heard from him.

Anyway, that’s my relationship story. It’s the entire reason for my confusion and even less of my understanding. If you’ve got advice, please, I’m all ears (or eyes as the case may be.) To my best of friends who has given me this outlet – even if it was not intended to be so – thank you. I love you, and I hope that you and I are able to find the happiness that we both deserve and long for.