The Beginning of Hurt
A friend of mine gave me the address to his blog, and, as I read it, I find that we have so much in common. Recently, a relationship that I have been a part of ended - quite abruptly. I could bore you with how and why and all the gory details, but what would that do? It would only reopen wounds that have been thoroughly rubbed with the purest of salts, and I really don't think I could go through with that once more. But I will say that Kory and I were happy once - at least, I think we were.
We had been together for about seven years. Since October of 1998, we were "we". It was a long time coming, and when he finally realized that he shared the same feelings for me that I had for him, it was as though an epiphany occurred. I experienced true bliss my senior year in high school. I was in love - for the very first time in my life. You see, at 17, Kory was my first boyfriend, my first hand-holding, my first kiss, my first everything. How do you write about the first time love takes you by storm and is as earth-shattering as the fiercest of storms? Needless to say, by the time Spring rolled around, we were still very happy together. We were young and in love and nothing or no one could steer us from the notion that we would be together forever. I’ve learned, since our break-up, that your first is always going to be the hardest to get over.
Anyway, we made it through my first year away at college. You see, while I’m from Hawai`i, I chose a school that is in the mid-west. I went away on August 19, 1999, to Omaha, Nebraska. I was so sad to leave him and my family, but the excitement of being an “adult” was too enchanting. I was away, and yet, I had an anchor in my family and my relationship with Kory. Strange, isn’t it, that I was convinced and convicted in the belief that I could do anything as long as I had him and my family. Prior to our getting together, I could do anything on my own – as long as my family was with me in some way, shape, or form. In any case, I came home to him and to my family for the holiday season, and it was beautiful. The passion that we shared was phenomenal. It continued to be so – right to the end.
To make a long story short, I got tired of waiting for him. You see, Kory is in his fifth year in college and is in his second year of his third major. I’ve been patient. I waited and waited, believing that if I were patient enough, I would earn my way to be at his side for always. I have already been out of school for a year and half and am trying to make my way in the world. I have studied to be an educator, speech coach (as it is my passion), and am still trying to find my way in the world. I am not working in my chosen profession, but what I do pays the bills. Anyway, as I was saying, I got tired of waiting. I am now 24, and have been hoping against all odds that Kory would pick me. Does anyone know what it is like to feel as though you are the last one chosen?
It’s amazing that all I’ve wanted was to have him pick me – just decide to pick me instead of needing to know others. In the end, it turned out that Kory wanted to find himself – and that meant that I couldn’t go with him. You see, I know what I want in life. I want a family, I want to do what makes me happiest and what I am most passionate about. I want success, and I want love. I thought that I had some of those things – especially the love part, but I was mistaken. Like I said, I’m 24, and I feel that damned biological clock tick tick ticking away.
The irony of it all is that we had broken up twice before. His freshman year in college, he was worried that he would do stupid things with other girls. Why we got back together, I’m not quite sure. I had a traumatic year that year, and at the holidays, we were a couple again. (This was his second chance, I thought, and I’m a firm believer in the whole second chance thing.) Anyway, we stayed together till May of 2003. We broke up because I was planning on returning to Hawai`i upon graduation. Instead of returning home, for whatever reasons I didn’t, I stayed in Omaha. You see, I had a plan. I was going to go to a prestigious graduate program, start working, and start saving for a place of my own when I was ready to return home. The following April (of 2004), we were back together again. Kory said to me that he should just choose, and in that moment, he chose me, and my heart sang wondrous harmonies and praises. We were together until April of 2005. You would think that being broken up would mean that we would stop seeing each other and reaping the benefits of being a couple but without the title.
If you know anything about me, I’m a hopeless romantic. I think that because he says or does one thing, it means everything when, in fact, it does not. In July, there was a huge blow-out and we didn’t talk to each other. I told him not to call or bother because I was done being treated badly. I deserve so much more. I deserve everything I’ve ever wanted and more, and if he wasn’t going to give it to me, then I know that there is someone out there who would be overjoyed to do so. He did as I asked – just as I always knew and feared he would. Three weeks later, I got a message – it was an apology. Then, in September, something happened at home, and for a brief moment of insanity, I called him, and it was strange. Not until November 4th did we speak again. And here’s the odd part: our conversation was for 5 ½ hours!!! Who does that? Since that time, I’ve not heard from him.
Anyway, that’s my relationship story. It’s the entire reason for my confusion and even less of my understanding. If you’ve got advice, please, I’m all ears (or eyes as the case may be.) To my best of friends who has given me this outlet – even if it was not intended to be so – thank you. I love you, and I hope that you and I are able to find the happiness that we both deserve and long for.
We had been together for about seven years. Since October of 1998, we were "we". It was a long time coming, and when he finally realized that he shared the same feelings for me that I had for him, it was as though an epiphany occurred. I experienced true bliss my senior year in high school. I was in love - for the very first time in my life. You see, at 17, Kory was my first boyfriend, my first hand-holding, my first kiss, my first everything. How do you write about the first time love takes you by storm and is as earth-shattering as the fiercest of storms? Needless to say, by the time Spring rolled around, we were still very happy together. We were young and in love and nothing or no one could steer us from the notion that we would be together forever. I’ve learned, since our break-up, that your first is always going to be the hardest to get over.
Anyway, we made it through my first year away at college. You see, while I’m from Hawai`i, I chose a school that is in the mid-west. I went away on August 19, 1999, to Omaha, Nebraska. I was so sad to leave him and my family, but the excitement of being an “adult” was too enchanting. I was away, and yet, I had an anchor in my family and my relationship with Kory. Strange, isn’t it, that I was convinced and convicted in the belief that I could do anything as long as I had him and my family. Prior to our getting together, I could do anything on my own – as long as my family was with me in some way, shape, or form. In any case, I came home to him and to my family for the holiday season, and it was beautiful. The passion that we shared was phenomenal. It continued to be so – right to the end.
To make a long story short, I got tired of waiting for him. You see, Kory is in his fifth year in college and is in his second year of his third major. I’ve been patient. I waited and waited, believing that if I were patient enough, I would earn my way to be at his side for always. I have already been out of school for a year and half and am trying to make my way in the world. I have studied to be an educator, speech coach (as it is my passion), and am still trying to find my way in the world. I am not working in my chosen profession, but what I do pays the bills. Anyway, as I was saying, I got tired of waiting. I am now 24, and have been hoping against all odds that Kory would pick me. Does anyone know what it is like to feel as though you are the last one chosen?
It’s amazing that all I’ve wanted was to have him pick me – just decide to pick me instead of needing to know others. In the end, it turned out that Kory wanted to find himself – and that meant that I couldn’t go with him. You see, I know what I want in life. I want a family, I want to do what makes me happiest and what I am most passionate about. I want success, and I want love. I thought that I had some of those things – especially the love part, but I was mistaken. Like I said, I’m 24, and I feel that damned biological clock tick tick ticking away.
The irony of it all is that we had broken up twice before. His freshman year in college, he was worried that he would do stupid things with other girls. Why we got back together, I’m not quite sure. I had a traumatic year that year, and at the holidays, we were a couple again. (This was his second chance, I thought, and I’m a firm believer in the whole second chance thing.) Anyway, we stayed together till May of 2003. We broke up because I was planning on returning to Hawai`i upon graduation. Instead of returning home, for whatever reasons I didn’t, I stayed in Omaha. You see, I had a plan. I was going to go to a prestigious graduate program, start working, and start saving for a place of my own when I was ready to return home. The following April (of 2004), we were back together again. Kory said to me that he should just choose, and in that moment, he chose me, and my heart sang wondrous harmonies and praises. We were together until April of 2005. You would think that being broken up would mean that we would stop seeing each other and reaping the benefits of being a couple but without the title.
If you know anything about me, I’m a hopeless romantic. I think that because he says or does one thing, it means everything when, in fact, it does not. In July, there was a huge blow-out and we didn’t talk to each other. I told him not to call or bother because I was done being treated badly. I deserve so much more. I deserve everything I’ve ever wanted and more, and if he wasn’t going to give it to me, then I know that there is someone out there who would be overjoyed to do so. He did as I asked – just as I always knew and feared he would. Three weeks later, I got a message – it was an apology. Then, in September, something happened at home, and for a brief moment of insanity, I called him, and it was strange. Not until November 4th did we speak again. And here’s the odd part: our conversation was for 5 ½ hours!!! Who does that? Since that time, I’ve not heard from him.
Anyway, that’s my relationship story. It’s the entire reason for my confusion and even less of my understanding. If you’ve got advice, please, I’m all ears (or eyes as the case may be.) To my best of friends who has given me this outlet – even if it was not intended to be so – thank you. I love you, and I hope that you and I are able to find the happiness that we both deserve and long for.
posted by makagirl | 11:26 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home